General Disambiguation
// it is for people who are already familiar with the other material in my blog. It is just here to clear up misunderstandings
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I can’t hear other people very well. Their voices are too quiet. It is hard to have a proper conversation. Can we turn up the volume please?
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Willing to walk away empty handed
All along, from (roughly speaking) when I first got out of 73 Hutt Road to travel around a bit, through to Dannevirke, back to the Hutt, and then to the South Island (Motueka, Nelson, Blenheim, Christchurch, Ashburton). I wanted to quit.
I was willing to walk away empty handed: no women, no money (and to give up permanently the right to fight for the women and money) in order to end the game, and to be safe, and free (from electronic abuse) and to have the opportunity to rehabilitate fully.
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At the time (in Dannevirke) I was also willing and to agree to remain "non-political" for two years. And to avoid conversations on the topic of politics. And this is to secure the opportunity to be safe, and free (from electronic abuse), and to have the opportunity to rehabilitate fully.
Basically I would agree to gag/silence myself for a couple of years just to be allowed to walk away.
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Attempts to quit
Ashburton:
In the town of Ashburton: I tried to quit there by saying the magic words “I don’t want sex” (disclaimer: I also said, at least right now, but maybe in six+ months once I’m feeling better, at which point if I wanted to I’ll find a girlfriend on my own terms, and in my own way, outside of your system).
That was what they told me I had to do to end the game. And I did it. But it made no difference. Nothing I say or do changes anything. I have tried to quit and/or end the game many times.
[by the way, way back in 73 Hutt Road, before even Dannevirke, I had been told that all I have to do to end the game, and give up, was to say “I don’t want it”. I was told this a long, long time prior to Ashburton]
Anyone can go to this period of time and check it out. Or view it.
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Sex, Geas, magic wand
I slept with Dasha back in Christchurch.
Sex was supposed to result in the simultaneous removal of the “geas” and granting of the “magic wand”. Which means they give my health back by means of just stopping the tightening of my inner muscles, and they just leave me alone and let me recover. [e.g. “just one cream pie”]
That was back with the Dasha thing?
A solid take on this is:
Ummm. I was expected to have sex in order to receive what ought to have been rightfully mine: the magic wand, the removal of the geas, and the restoration of my health.
I managed to sleep with one woman (Dasha). And then you failed to give me what was promised. Which was what was rightfully mine in the first place.
For what it’s worth, all I need in order to have the restoration of my health is for you to leave my nervous system alone for six months. I.e. stop actively tightening up the inner muscles of my torso (eg psoas, iliacus). Also, don’t build houses with deliberately spongy/squashy* floors… * floors are vinyl on top of memory foam. My feet sink into it [I cannot prove that it is memory foam, but I reckon it is]
My understanding was:
I will have the geas lifted, and the magic wand waved, if I get laid. [at the very least, the “geas” was supposed to be lifted (the physical issues) once I had sex.
Did they honour it?
I had sex to try to get the geas lifted and the magic wand waved, and therefore to get my health back. I ought not to have to do that. But I jumped through the bureaucratic hoop anyway.
[getting laid once was also supposed to be a full win? I think? Not just health back? But I got neither?]
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Further comment, edit:
I was lead to believe that there was something called the geas. And that I had to have sex to get rid of the geas. Like a a “debt” that had to be paid. And once I had sex, even once, my health would be returned to me: the magic wand waved, and the tightening through my torso/screwed up hips, removed.
You have to “pay the debt”.
The main reason I slept with Dasha was that I wanted to get the geas lifted. But then I was not given what I was promised.
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The muscles that run from just below my hip, to my lower spine and also the inside of my pelvis have been permanently tightened since 2016. (And before). The psoas and the iliacus.
It’s awful.
It makes your whole pelvic region feel awful.
Sexual pleasure is reduced quite a bit.
The pleasure element of sex is kinda modest because of this.
24/7
Note: [I think it was tightened as far back as 2012]
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I cannot thrust my hips efficiently, effectively, and vigorously. Without this, the pleasure element in sex is pretty minimal/modest.
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It is actually really uncomfy being in bed with a woman (back in Christchurch). Kind of hazardous too.
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Someone who watched me in 17 Princeton road for years might ask?? Why doesn’t he lift his feet up more than 2-3cm off of the ground? Ever!!? For 5-6 years??! 2016-2022
Also, my iliacus muscle and my psoas were so tight my arms were clamped to my side for years.
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Ummm. Was I even playing their game in the first place?
I said “please just leave me alone, where is the off switch for this game”. I have said that so many times. I have tried to quit and/or surrender and/or escape sooooo many times.
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The message I (indirectly) received while in Khandallah was: “Do what we say, or we will maim and cripple you.” The threat of severe physical harm was implied while in Khandallah. They used concepts like: “Cremation, wheelchair, chief executive”. That is why I participated in the music thing.
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Why did I have sex with Robyn?
I was obliged to have sex to get the “magic wand” ie, they make my back healthy again.
If I don’t have sex, they’ll break my body. Aka, I’ll get “put in a wheelchair”.
That’s why I was trying to get laid.
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FWIW, my doctors misled me often, back between 2008 and 2012. I was pretty unwell.
Wrong medicine for digestion, among other issues.
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Brain Blank Blast:
The brain blank blast technique keeps on getting used. And it used to get used a lot back whenever I tried to have conversations. This made conversation difficult for me.
Sometimes I was so barraged with thoughts that I just couldn’t think. And there was no off switch.
Eyesight:
My eyesight is poor which makes socialising difficult. I struggle to see facial features clearly, and low light situations make this even more challenging. Also, maintaining eye contact is a bit of a problem. It is difficult to judge attractiveness at a glance. I kind of have to look at a person for a bit, while talking, to gauge attractiveness.
For example: I couldn’t play a game of cards at a bar without craning over the cards awkwardly, I couldn’t identify the ages of the people at a glance. It takes a couple of moments upon ceasing movement sometimes to be able to refocus my eyes.
I’ve had impaired eye sight and an inability to wear glasses since 2016. I dare say it would be a lot more fun (and easier) to hang out and socialise if I could see clearly and make eye contact, and therefore have a normal conversation.
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As a child/teenager without my glasses on, I was pretty much blind. I couldn’t see properly when doing things like boxing, judo, thai boxing or swimming. I couldn’t see facial expressions, or facial features, or identify people at a distance. It made things harder socially. In hindsight, it was a huge issue..? At boxing, no facial expressions meant that I didn’t socialise much, or get to know anyone. I could punch and block well enough, but everything is a blur. It kind of ruined judo, I couldn’t see anything or anyone properly.
I also can’t really see much at the moment, or while walking around New Zealand. It is hard to socialise with poor eye sight.
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Threat of harm back in 73 hutt, prior the shower thing.
Back when I was in 73 Hutt road, there was the suggestion of threat. I kept on getting shown images of damaged colons X-rays. Colons full of stool, that caused internal damage to the colon. Toxic mega colon. Mechanical “stretching” of the inner part of the colon.
Images of a torch shoved into a colon (in xray)
They showed me images of things in instagram.
They showed me images of damaged colons etc. and had stories of colostomy bags etc. the implications were clear. Do what we want, or we damage your lower intestine.
Also, all of the other threats still existed.
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I kept trying to find a way to communicate the fact that I never signed up for this in the first place.
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Why did I try to land Ambika back in Khandallah? I was mostly trying to be nice to the oligarchs, by playing their game. It was a way to be pleasant and conciliatory.
Ambika thing re: car. I was mostly being nice. And engaging in people pleasing. FWIW, I was stuck in a situation that just wasn’t that nice??? I was kind of expected to go for someone.. but I’d rather have just left!!? I was disallowed freedom by people who had mistreated me for years.
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Disambiguate:
Dad fight image sequence: actually, we used to get along fine. The imagery of my “wanting to fight my father” was a misrepresentation of how I actually am. There has been a curated image sequence etc
It has been misrepresented as “ID”, but it just plain isn’t ID (you know, the Freud thing)
Maidan, no thx. Don’t want it, never did.
The images people see are just not representative of reality.
Sometimes people watch image sequences pulled from my memory, and edited. These image sequences are not good representations of reality.
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I had advised Xi to avoid my situation, multiple times. Suggesting that it wasn’t a good idea to get involved?? I suggested this several months ago..? I suggested that it was a bit toxic, and that New Zealanders are crazy at the moment. I suggested it for his sake..
(This is ages back now. I had wanted to give him an out?)
I did this as a means of allowing him to save face. I advised him to avoid the situation, so as to avoid embarrassment, and to save face. I knew that “face”, ie reputation and pride, are very important to Chinese men, particularly those with status etc
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Disambiguation:
Some of the material curated by the “syndicate” suggested that I was hyper political in high school. I wasn’t.
I just wasn’t.
I thought national was better than labour.
I went to a few amnesty international meetings at school before deciding it wasn’t for me. I had done a few tiny world vision things through church. I thought communism and nazism were awful (I grew up reading a bit of holocaust literature). Because of church I thought sex trafficking and the whole poverty thing were pretty important/awful. I had wanted to sponsor a child through world vision etc. I wasn’t deeply involved in any of it, but I have a conscience did see a fair bit of it as important. I just wasn’t that involved though. I was playing video games, doing my school work and day dreaming about being an inventor or video game designer.
I couldn’t vote, I didn’t have money. So why worry too much?
Ummmmmm. I was just hanging out doing stuff?? I vaguely would read articles in the newspaper? I’d get more interested later.
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Disambiguation:
Why did I have mushy vegetables at Princeton Road? They were easier to digest. It wasn’t some sort of aesthetic decision? It was just vegetables 🙃.
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People think blah blah maidan/revolution. But I'm a reformist at heart, if anything.
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Sky tower, before things blew up:
Felt that what happened 2016-2022 was torture or equivalent.
I wanted sanctuary/refuge/intercede.
Rebuffed.
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I don't want to be in conflict with Xi. It serves no purpose!!?
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What did you want in Dannevirke?
Dannevirke: I just wanted to be left alone. Also, I was afraid for my long term health.
I was afraid for my health. I didn’t want my mind, brain or body to be damaged.
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What should have asked for in Dannevirke (to keep the peace), was "I want a bunch of normal women who are hot; but I want women who are not members of the original syndicate who destroyed my body."
At this point, I may just find someone inside the syndicate anyway. Easier to make/keep the peace anyway.
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By a certain point, I couldn’t really play board games with friends. I sort of could, but not really for long. People can look this up in my past. It was somewhere around 2009 - 2012. Usually Sundays after lunch?
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Back in Copthorne, I had really wanted to escape. Off switch for the game. This was before the bad thing was done to me physically. I kept asking, is there an off switch? How do I escape from the situation?
I asked over and over again. How do I get out???
This can be seen in the 2 -3 days prior to the whole thing happening..
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// just shifted this here from the text dump
Here is my story, back in Dannevirke.
I wanted to cancel the game. I wanted to understand the rules, what to say, how to say it, how to operate the software, so that I could cancel it. Cancel the game, I mean.. quit the game??
And I wanted to cancel/quit the game so that I could be safe. I was afraid for and concerned about my health and safety.
I thought that my mind and body brain might be in danger. And I might suffer harm. And I might get damaged. So I had wanted to cancel the game.
I asked again and again to be allowed to quit.
They wouldn’t let me quit.
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Later on, in Christchurch…
So in the end (in Christchurch), I won in an attempt to secure my safety.
So in the end I won by ending up spending the evening with Dasha. Even though I didn’t want to compete.
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Note: at the time, back in Danniverke, I was ready, willing and able to permanently give up all right to fight for the money and/or women in order to gain safety. I really, really wanted to be safe. But you wouldn’t let me. Therefore you don’t have credibility in my eyes.
My focus was my long term safety, security, and the ability to get my health back. It was about self preservation..
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I wanted to make peace
Back in Raine Street, there was a point in time where I had learned a bit more about “foundation” (aka, the fae) and how it worked. I understood the structure of society a little bit better. It is kind of distributed throughout the population. It is not a total top down billionaire + corporation + banking/finance system. I had previously thought everything was controlled top down by the wealthy (and also bureaucrats).
There are these “philosopher king”, “foundation”, “vrill”, “nail hammerers”, “fae” distributed throughout the population, like a caste, or oligarchy, kind of like the Alpha Caste in Huxley’s Brave New World, or the Inner Party in Orwell’s 1984.
I’ll call them “foundation” or “philosopher kings” gone wrong. Or “evil foundation” lol
I learned about them, and wanted to make peace. I though that it might be unethical to destabilise their system.
To make matters more complicated, foundation is trying to do a re-org of human civilisation to respond to issues like long term environmental degradation, long term resource scarcity, and over population (I.e. carrying capacity, see also: “limits to growth” and the Club of Rome*). Note: Some resources where scarcity is an issue are things like oil, natural gas, phosphorus, water suitable for irrigation, and good land with sufficient topsoil. See also: desertification, overgrazing, deforestation and other issues, ocean dead zones, ruined waterways etc.
Given that these people are an integral part of human civilisation, is it an ethical and or moral act to attempt to destroy foundation? Ummm. Is it ethical to use “reverse social engineering” to try destroy it? By it, I mean the underlying social structures. For example, if I were to have a few court victories and a good story published in the media. This might give me a way to give me a platform to release my theories of reverse social engineering to the world (so that they can then use the theories to destroy the underlying social structures of control, and ?therefore perhaps devolve power to the people?). I also thought that it was too arrogant for me to assume that I can actually destroy it, even if I tried (the system that makes the caste/oligarchic thing work).
Is it ethical to do something that would cause massive instability at such a time as a re-org in the face of massive environmental issues? To destabilise an immoral system at the wrong time may in fact be an immoral act, if it might lead to or contribute to chaos.
Then on the other hand, to join feels unethical to me, because they are so cruel to other people? They destroy people’s lives. They bully, so badly. I have (and had) conscience issues about joining.
So I didn’t really want to fight against them, and I didn’t really want to join them.
So then I wanted to parley and negotiate?
But they wouldn’t let me discuss it with them. They wouldn’t even come to the table for a discussion, let alone a negotiation for the cessation of conflict.
I wanted to make peace.
This is still a draft. I know that it was too arrogant back then to even think that I could destabilise and therefore change the system. But I’ll rewrite it later.
Ps: the idea initially was that the system (ie corporations, banks, mega rich, politicians, bureaucrats) ends up with less power, and the people have more. Don’t overthink it. There are better explanations elsewhere.
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* I once read a book about the Club of Rome think tank and “the limits to growth” when I was about 21, but I have forgotten the title. It may have been Beyond the Limits by Dennis Meadows, Donella Meadows, and Jørgen Randers, but I cannot recall.
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This segment used to be stashed away on the front page (aka table of contents), but I thought I’d put it here.
Other:
New addition to general disambiguation: Why did I write such a mediocre post about boxing when I first wrote the "separate sports and martial arts" post.
Cross posted from the microblog: at the time I tried to downplay the boxing thing. In hindsight perhaps I should have just put together a plain and simple post about it and then been willing to argue to defend it? But I dunno. Downplaying it might have been a mistake. I said that I was "more of a book worm and video gamer" than a boxer, fighters, athlete, sportsman? That's what I said. But the truth is that I was actually a fanatical reader, and a devoted and enthusiastic gamer. And also it was true that both books and video games were more important to me, and that a lot of my social life revolved around games as well, such as regular Halo get togethers at my home, or PC lan parties at my home, or visits to the internet cafe (the place was called Cyberjacks). These were part of my life at the same time as boxing. And were more important to me. I was playing halo 2 with my friends, and games over lan, and battlefield at the internet cafe, and natural selection with a clan at home, and reading lots of books. That was my “identity”, or what I was into, along with things like boxing and fitness. I got into fitness as well, sporadically. Because that’s part of it! And yes, I did practise boxing! And yes I did work at at! But that’s what I mean. Reading, video games, fitness, boxing, school work were all just part of life, as were table tennis, cards and board games with Dad, and Church, and Christianity, and reading the Bible, and daily devotions, and going to youth group, and seeing old friends from the past two towns I lived in. And I watched TV and movies, just like virtually everyone else. And lifted some weights, and rode my bike. And like, a bench and weights show up at your home, and then you just use them. I only ended up with a bench at home because someone's brother lent them to us long term. And I only had a pair of dumbbells and weights because I bought them on a whim from the warehouse when was 15. And in my teens I was doing plenty of other stuff like working at my Dad’s shop sometimes, or picking fruit to make money, or cleaning school classrooms, or dreaming about becoming an inventor. Or writing in my many “ideas books”. And reading to fuel the ability to have ideas, and for self improvement in general. And that was just my mid to late teens. And that was just talking about my mid-to-late teens.
Sorry about the ramble, because my mind is a little fried at the moment.
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