Sarah: scorned and stroppy

This next comment is about day dreams from the past, and stray private thoughts from the past, that turned out to be being observed and recorded. And this happened long before I knew that my mind was being observed.

Sarah and "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

I didn't think that Sarah (my fae-lawyer) had much sex appeal when we were in high school together.

This will make me sound a little bit eccentric, but back when I was younger, I had long convoluted day dreams where I asked myself what my life would have been like if I had married someone other than Amanda.

For example, Sarah. Sarah was one of the smarter girls in school. And I sometimes wondered if I could have dated one of the smarter girls in school. Sarah and I were in accounting class together, in both 6th and 7th form. She got good marks, and was quiet and studious. Because of her intelligence (or at least because of her academic ability) I imagined her to be a better quality of person than many of the students there.

In terms of looks she was pretty average. I actually don’t think that she’s objectively that bad in terms of looks??!?! She's just middle of the road. Absolutely normal, she was between maybe 4/10 and 6/10. Let us call it an even 5.

She was tall, skinny, had freckles, and brown hair. And she had a slightly annoying voice. And she had a slightly weird vibe to her. She just wasn’t my cup of tea? Maybe it was the feminism, or maybe it was the Wiccanism. But she just wasn’t my cup of tea.

And so I thought about it vaguely. I had meandering day dreams.

As part of these day dreams, she converted to Christianity. Because I couldn’t really imagine marrying a non-Christian. And then we dated. And then we got married.

And I had this recurring day dream where I felt or thought that even if we were both Christians, and had committed to life long monogamy, fidelity and marriage, that I would lose interest in her, and have to apologise to her for lack of interest. I.e. I would have to say that even if we were married, and I had no one else, and no other options, and you were available to me, I wouldn't be bothered to sleep with you by the age of 23/24. I'd lose interest. And I would imagine how to have the compassionate, kindhearted, sensitive Christian conversation to let her down gently. Yes, I know it's weird, but I didn't know anyone was watching my daydreams back in the day!!! A winsome conversation!! How to break it to a Christian spouse that you loved her, but just were no longer physically attracted to her!

She is actually my fae lawyer.

And so I can’t help but wonder if she heard me having this recurring day dream and become very upset. After all, as they say, “Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned”. Many other people probably also heard me having this day dream in the past.

I used to do a lot of historical counterfactuals about my life, including what if I had married someone else.

I had these day dreams at the age of 22/23. Or younger. Or maybe a little older like 24/25. The truth is that I can’t remember when. But it was years and years ago. Which means she has had perhaps 15+ years to stew over it. And to become very, very grumpy about it. And therefore all of her decisions are probably unfair. Because "hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned". It is all about my private, ancient day dreams, and her reaction to them.

Perhaps she feels that if I am not attracted to her, and that I scorn her so forcefully, and think so little of her, that I clearly neither want nor deserve ANY women. Furthermore, I had daydreams along these lines MANY MANY times. So many times. It was a common day dream. And unbeknownst to me, she listened in to many, many of them.

This is one of the most absurd things I have had to explain. Because it was just day dreams.

Uhhh. And these people are trying to “prove” that I don’t "want" anything. Well… my “lawyer” has the opinion that I don’t “want”anything in life, because I don’t “want” her. 

She was the one making “legal decisions” relating to my situation.

She wants to prove that I don’t want sex. And she also wants me to say the words “I don’t want sex”. That is her end goal. And if I say that, I can’t have anyone.