Extra: my relationship with Amanda, and a little bit about my family

It's part of the life story.

Treat it as a “special insert” into the main story.

***

Amanda and our relationship

On this page I will talk about getting together with Amanda, dating, falling in love, her conversion to Christianity, proposing, engagement, marriage, the wedding and all of that.

I have already spoken about most of this stuff already in other parts of my life story, as well as in my various discussion pages.

I’m planning to do this as something like a special insert. I’ll do it as a page of extra information to fill people in on a few details and expand on the story so far. 

But I need to do a special insert about my parents first. And I need to do this because we need the stuff about my parents and childhood to be out there before I write the extra segment about Amanda. This is because the general audience and other stakeholders need to know about my parents, my relationship with them, and that I cared about them and listened to them when I was a child and teenager.

Okay, first of all I will talk about my parents.

*

This is the abbreviated version, because I want to write the long version as a part of my life story.

I loved my father and I loved my mother when I was a child.

When I was 13, my parents divorced and my father moved away.

Then one time while I was visiting him he lied to me and blamed my mother for the divorce, telling me that she has had multiple affairs and that this was the cause of their divorce/separation.

After this I still loved my father, and liked spending time with him but my relationship with my mother soured a bit. But I still cared about her, even though my relationship with her soured a bit.

My father and I had multiple conversations about my mother and her alleged affairs over the years. I didn’t realise until years and years later that it was all lies and that both of them were dishonest people, slept around, and were just trashy people. I also don’t know/realise until years later (2023) that he and Tomoe Takahashi first started sleeping together when she was a high schooler of about 17 years old. Note: Tomoe Takahashi was a foreign exchange student from Japan who came to us in 2001 for a period of 11 months. She was 16 years old when she arrived.

As a Christian, I felt that adultery was a massive, massive sin. I said to myself, ‘they used to execute women by stoning for this’. But anyway, I didn’t say that to her. Instead I decided to be kind to her by continuing to have a relationship with her at all. But all respect for her and trust in her was totally gone. She was totally devoid of credibility in my eyes from that point on. And I felt that it was very, very, very kind of me to be even associating with her at all after that. I contemplated cutting ties with her altogether.

I moved to Paraparaumu to live with my father at the age of 15.

I still actually had feelings of love for her (my mother). That is, my feelings still had some “niceness” towards her. And I still cared about her somewhat. But I just kind of chose to go through the motions of being a caring and decent son. It’s a little complicated. Also, we still spent time together. And I kind of made the best of things? I consciously and deliberately decided to adopt an attitude of love towards her, out of kindness and a sense of duty. She was still fun to spend time with sometimes! But it was different. [things had changed]

My father was supposed to have been a good Christian man (this was pre Tomoe). And prior to Tomoe Takahashi I imagined him to be a genuine and good Christian man. And quite moral. It was all lies, but he played the part well.

Note: the Tomoe Takahashi thing shook my confidence in him quite a bit. But strangely enough didn’t destroy my trust in him completely. Weird how that works. I just want to add in one more part of that story. And this is that part: almost a third of the way through 5th form, about 4 months after I had moved house, he announced to the breakfast table that he and Tomoe were an item. In his words, “you might have noticed that Tomoe and I have been looking at one another differently”. And then he talked for a bit about how they were together now. Anyway. She was 19 at the time, and she had come back to do university in New Zealand after having finished high school in Japan. She had already been living there for a fair while when I moved.

Conclusion: I loved and trusted my parents when I was a child. But things soured a bit with my mother after the divorce. But even then I still cared about her, liked her a bit and loved her somewhat. I didn’t trust her or respect her judgement or opinions though. But I consciously and deliberately decided to adopt an attitude of love towards her, out of kindness and a sense of duty. I still liked and trusted my father (he was always my favourite of the two). I thought we were close at the time.

****

****

A Video

By the way, my father and I used to be quite close. Back before I was 13 especially. We were still close (or so I thought) after he and my mother split up, and he moved to Paraparaumu. And we were still pretty close back when I was 15-18.

Here is a random video from our trip to Japan together:

https://www.howcommunicate.com/extra-uploads-david-in-japan-at-14-video

If you watch this video, you will see my father and I together. And see how we interacted. You will see that we were close and that we got along very well. I liked my father!

^Please actually take a look at the video. I know it’s boring and annoying to watch videos when you’re just trying to scroll through a story, but this one is important.

****

****

Amanda timeline:

We had been friends since 5th form. Which you would already know if you had read my life story.

She was somewhat promiscuous in high school.

I was a Christian, and quite religious.

But we were friends anyway.

I didn’t judge her too harshly, but I didn’t condone her behaviour otherwise. I just completely ignored it. And we were simply friends.

I didn’t want to date anyone who wasn’t a Christian while I was in high school. I sort of thought about it. But I wasn’t sure. And so I thought, nah. Better not to.

I had a loosely held policy that I shouldn’t date a non Christian. I wasn’t totally fixed on this idea. But it was a loosely held policy.

And I sort of felt that it was better that I don’t date at all in high school. But I wasn’t totally committed to that course of action. 

Anyway, skip ahead a little bit here. She wanted to be a Christian. Or at least she talked about it. This was in mid-late seventh form.

She used to come to talk to me while I was cleaning school classrooms (it was my part time job). We talked about a variety of things including religion and stuff. And she also talked about relationships and what not.

Amanda became a Christian somewhere along the line.

She came to me once and said that her boyfriend H- was “pressuring her” to have sex. And she didn’t like it. And she wasn’t sure what to do. She was thinking of breaking up with him. I said to her that she could just break up with him. It’s not complicated.

*

Sometime later…

*

I said to her one day while we were sitting at her house that I really wouldn’t mind finding a girlfriend sometime. She said that Grace might be interested. And that she had such nice, long, blonde hair. I said nah. And then I said, I kind of wish _you_ didn’t have a boyfriend.

And then a week or two later she came to tell me that she didn’t have a boyfriend anymore. She broke up with him.

But that she wanted a few weeks to just not be with anyone. To kind of clear her head.

And then she came to me before a few weeks was over and said… if you want to get together with me, I’m all yours. She also said, “I’m damaged goods” (which meant to me that she had had a bad past, which included being molested as a child, and so was slightly affected by that, and may have also included the whole being somewhat promiscuous in the past).

And so, we got together.

I became quite attached to her. What I mean by that was that I was crazy about her.

She was my girlfriend and I was her boyfriend.

From my point of view, I was someone who dated his good friend in high school after she had converted to Christianity. We had been friends since fifth form and started dating late in seventh form. In August I think, if I remember correctly.

I knew I was getting together with someone who was a little rough around the edges. She’d had a bad childhood (allegedly) with two alcoholic parents and also allegedly been molested. Also, she said to me before we got together, “I’m damaged goods, but if you still want me we can get together”.

We were dating for months.

Now, what was dating Amanda like?

We spent a lot of time together. We were together at school, together at my place and together at her place. We were out walking around the mall and the shops and at the beach and hanging around playgrounds sitting on the swings in the sunshine and all of that. Or laying on the grass in the sunshine at a park, just talking. Or getting takeaways from the fish and chip shop or the nearby Chinese takeaway shop.

I was quite attached to her. I ended up becoming quite fond of her. We were really close.

I think I told her that I loved her about one month into our relationship.

We spent way too much time just kissing. And things ended up being a little bit too physical in general. Which isn’t ideal. It’s kind of difficult to not take things too far when you’re 18, have a girlfriend, and are religious. And perhaps things were sometimes a little too physical. Anyway, you’re not supposed to have sex if you’re not married. And so we were dating and the temptation was there, but we managed okayish.

We discussed our future together. And we were talking about things like marriage, children, university, religion and so on. And she would send me notes/letters about how she loved me and couldn’t imagine not being with me etc., I was giving her letters and notes too.

We were actually talking about our future together.

Blah blah blah.

Feelings, feelings, feelings

Love, love, love

And we were basically describing ourselves as “engaged to be engaged”. And talking about how we will be one of those old couples with grey hair where I’m pushing her around in a wheel chair when we’re 90 and in the old folks home.

Sex before marriage isn’t allowed under the rules of Christianity. It’s called fornication, and it’s supposed to be a bad thing. It would be classified as a sin. Ummmmm. It was difficult to keep my hands off of her? And anyway, we were discussing the possibility of getting married while young, rather than getting married when we are older. We had both (seemingly) decided we had found the right one to be with long term (for life).

**

And so yeah, I asked her to marry me. She said yes. And then the next day I went and bought her a ring and everything. And I gave her the ring the following day. I just decided it on the spur of the moment to ask her to marry me. And out of nowhere said, “marry me”. And she was like, “okay”. Then again, it wasn’t like we hadn’t discussed it. And it had been on my mind.

And so we were engaged to be married.

I can’t remember what month it was. It might have been November? Of 2005? We had only been dating for several months. But we had known one another for a few years.

*

Note: I’d been sneaking out sometimes to see Amanda late at night. Just sometimes. Just a few times. Because I just wanted to see her. Which isn’t exactly ideal behaviour.

*

Shortly afterwards, after getting engaged, we ended up sleeping together anyway.

I will tell you the story of that.

Ummm. Fornication isn’t something you’re supposed to do. But yeah, it happened anyway (we slept together anyway). We slept together a number of times while we were still in high school. It was towards the end of the school year.

I justified it by some sort of moral kluge.

I was around at her house, and it was late.

We were making out, and I was like (or we were like), we’re engaged to be married. And what is marriage anyway? It’s two people “becoming one flesh”. Being united for life. And who cares about ceremonies and paperwork. I’m not interested in having a Government tell me/us what something is or isn’t. And so if we’re sleeping together, it’s just like we’re married in the eyes of God anyway.

And so we slept together. And that was the kluge in my mind. Or in our relationship.

In the months running up to that day it was actually difficult to avoid sleeping with her.

Amanda was the first woman I ever had sex with. I didn’t sleep with anyone else until my mid thirties well after she and I had split up.

*

Anyway, what next?

I went over to Europe, and missed her very much.

We told everyone that we were engaged to be married, by the way.

I then came back and stayed with her at her house (I already talked about that in part two, three and four of my life story). This was at 5 Weka Road. I went to her house to stay, not home to 24 Linwood Drive.

Uhhh. We slept together a number of times. What I mean by that is that we were sleeping together once I got back to New Zealand. I was staying at her place after all! But I was like… we probably shouldn’t be doing that. We’re not actually married. This is crazy.

And so we stopped sleeping together. Or at least we tried. No, I think that we actually stopped.

And then…

I moved into Wellington. I was always coming back to see her.

And then I was like, do you want to get married?? Sooner?

And so we did.

We got (legally) married at a registry office in Wellington in our first year of university, on the 19th of July 2007. Our witnesses were Ben Jack and Kieran Rayner. Ben Jack was my best friend from childhood.

And then we moved into Hathaway Avenue and moved in with my Nana (we needed a place to stay, and my Nana lived in Wellington). By the way, this was a place I had often spent the holidays at! It was a place that held good memories for me.

And then we moved to Mt Cook in Wellington and lived at the studio apartment on Hansen Street. Which I have mentioned elsewhere.

We had the proper wedding on the 19th of January, 2008. With all of the guests and so on.

Wedding planning for that was a big deal. And I’ll talk about that elsewhere. Maybe at the bottom of this page.

I didn’t sleep with anyone else other than her until my mid thirties, well after we had split up and I had been arrested and had all sorts of massive legal dramas and horrors.

Yes, she was my first.

And she was my first serious girlfriend as well (she was pretty nearly my first actual girlfriend in general, more about that later).

And so that’s my “special insert” about my relationship with Amanda.

****

****

My mother and advice

My mother wasn’t happy about my getting engaged to Amanda back when I was 18. She talked to me about it and told me that she didn’t want me to get married. She failed to have proper open and honest conversations with me though. This was in Europe in 2006/2007.

Also, because of the divorce and adultery I thought that I was being kind to her by even talking to her at all. But I certainly didn’t have any respect for her advice or for her judgement.

I’m hoping to put some emails up here relating to my mother and the wedding and the marriage and stuff. I might do that on another page sometime.

She actually caused me massive harm when I was in Europe (2006/2007). She did this by attacking me with electronic machines and cell towers instead of engaging in proper and open conversation. All she had to do was to talk to me and engage in basic conversation.

One conversation.

Just one conversation where she tells me that she and my father are communists or Wiccans, and engage in polyamorous relationships. And that they are not Christians. And just one conversation where they tell me that they use cell towers to attack people in horrible ways. And that they are habitual liars. And that Amanda is a liar, a petty thug, a communist, loves the occult, and is nothing more than a prostitute and a parasite.

I don’t want to have to discuss all of the details again right now.

***

My father and advice

My father could have talked openly with me about anything. I trusted him when I was a teenager. He could have very quickly put an end to the marriage and Amanda thing. And he could have put an end to us dating so quickly it wouldn’t be funny. He just didn’t want to.

And after she and I got engaged, he didn’t even bother to talk me out of it properly! It would have been so, so easy to talk me out of it. Even without telling me the full truth. After all, relied on him for so many things. We used to talk about pretty much anything.

I told him back in November (?) 2005 that Amanda and I were engaged to be married.

He could have talked me out of it with minimal effort. I mean the religion angle alone was an easy win. He argued with me and talked with me about everything else in life... Debate and argument in our house was constant. He argued with me about everything (not that it felt to me like it was in a mean way) including my future career choices. But he didn’t bother to persuade me to change my mind about marriage.

I just want to say that again. Debate and argument, carried out in a direct and loud manner were normal in our household. As was banter and clever insults. I didn’t feel that this was malicious. It was just normal for us. It had been like this ever since I was a young child. Sarcasm and irony were also pretty normal in our household.

By the way, these people will lie to you about everything. But my father could have resolved the “problem” of my relationship, engagement, and then marriage with Amanda with just 1-2 conversations. But he didn’t care to help me at all. These people mislead you about everything. And he lies to you and pretends that he and I had a really bad relationship when I was a teenager (we didn’t have a bad relationship; I liked him and I trusted him). And he lies to you and acts as though I was having some sort of massive teenaged rebellion against him. Ummm. I wasn’t! He just makes it all up and engages in self delusion along with the lies as well. And then he publishes stuff (over wifi) that supports his narrative, and his story. But anyway, he could have talked me out of dating Amanda, getting engaged, being married to her. The whole thing. So easily. And before all of that we had a good relationship. Or I thought we did. In hindsight it was all totally fake. Totally fake. On my part I liked my father, I loved my father, I trusted him. I talked to him often. I went to him for advice. There is no one I’d rather spend time with than my father back then (before dating Amanda at least). But on his end it was all fake. He just had a bog or swamp of lies that he wallowed in all the time. I can’t imagine living like that.

I loved my father, I trusted him and he let me down. He let me down on purpose.

****

****

You should probably read the rest of the life story now, if you haven’t already. I’ve written parts 1-7 so far. And a lot of the rest my story is available on other pages.

****

****

*********

*********

****

****

Grab bag of topics about my relationship with Amanda, especially sex

First of all, this is a horrible topic for me to write about. What I mean by that is that it is horrible for me to have to write all of this stuff down. It’s awful. There were so many lies told by Amanda and others. And they did so much harm to me. These people actually caused me to suffer debilitating harm for years and years of my life, including 8.5 years of being crippled. I had to drop out of university, I became unable to work at all. And I mean in the end, I got crippled by these people for years. And they did it for no reason whatsoever. And then they put me through horrible, horrible things (expensive too, and time consuming as well) because many of them want to have sex with me (a bunch of girls wanted to have sex with me in exchange for Chinese Communist money and other free stuff in general) and have babies with me. And also so that they can try to cover up their other crimes too. And also certain people fear retribution. So it’s horrible to have to revisit all of this and to talk about this. I suffered debilitating harm and sickness for 19 years, including 8.5 years of being thoroughly crippled.

*

Amanda and Sexual Dysfunction

Amanda pretended to have sexual dysfunction as a result of being molested as a child. In particular, she pretended to be unable to have orgasms.

She also had had a bad past as a promiscuous young woman. And then she had converted to Christianity.

She pretended to have all sorts of problems in general. She basically pretended to have problems due to molestation and to be a disturbed and damaged person. And she told me that she hadn’t really enjoyed sex that much in the past. She even told me lies like “she had never enjoyed sex in the past before me”.

I am a very trusting person. And very kind hearted and compassionate. I also rely on other people (third parties) to basically give me decent advice. And so I guess I didn’t realise that she was a total fraud, a bullshit artist.

And also the people at my church didn’t alert me to the fact that she is a massive communist prostitute harlot from the pit of hell.

****

****

Sex with Amanda early on in our marriage

I need to write about sex.

This goes back to early on in our marriage to around about 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010. 

Mostly things were fine, except that Amanda pretended that she had mental disorders that prevented her enjoying herself as much as she should.

I wasn’t completely horrible in bed. But Amanda stymied things. Not that I knew why or fully understood. She actually stopped herself enjoying things when she liked them, preventing herself enjoying them further. I thought that this was because she was psychologically disturbed. And also she didn’t give good feedback about what felt good and what didn’t.

She always said that sex with me was nice and she liked it. And she seemed to like it at the time. It’s just that I couldn’t get her across the finish line. I did read guides and instruction manuals. And even a book. And I tried the stuff out. And I took advice and tips. But…. I think she deliberately changed the tone in her muscles when things felt good. She did this to prevent herself enjoying it too much, or enjoying it more. I figured that she was psychologically disturbed and this is why she was doing it. Anyway, she self sabotaged. And I didn’t have much to compare it to, which I guess didn’t help.

We would sleep together for about 12-20 minutes usually? I’m not sure exactly how long.

Sometimes things were over a little quicker, but in hindsight that’s probably okay.

If I focused, we might manage sometimes to go for up to 30-45 minutes on a first round. That was unusual though. 

Energy levels weren’t great and back problems were an issue too. But I actually managed okayish. This was back in 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010.

Somehow sex didn’t impact upon my energy levels or back problems as much as other things did.

****

****

Our relationship

By the way, back in 2007, 2008, 2009, I cared about her very much. It wasn’t just back then that I cared about her. But that’s when I’m talking about for the moment.

We spent a lot of time together. I was always walking along with my arm around her, holding her hand. And always going to stuff with her family.

And we were friends and had been friends since we were 15.

I adored her.

****

****

Respectfulness

When I was about 20 I didn’t even want her doing oral sex, because I felt it was disrespectful. I was like… those are the lips I kiss, of the women I love? Of course I don’t want to do that. Even though it’s not technically a bad thing to do.

****

****

Amanda being psychologically disturbed

She really did seem like a disturbed or abused person. She seemed like she had been molested and stuff. Or perhaps neglected and abused. Stuff like that. She blamed being molested by her step father for a lot of stuff in life. And she blamed her father for a lot of stuff in life. And I think the stuff about her father was partly true (he was a heavy drinker and a bit of a stoner). But I think she also suffered neglect at the hands of her mother (also an alcoholic). As I have mentioned before, she claimed to have been molested by her stepfather. I think that this was a totally false claim on her part.

****

****

More about sex

With sex, maybe we did missionary more often than not, because then I could kiss her, but very often maybe she would go on top for a bit. Or maybe she would start on top and then we would switch. Anyway, she would get tired. Overall, she preferred missionary.

Oral sex, I enjoyed doing that for her, and she seemed to like that, but she would always stop me when she was really enjoying it? Like, she didn’t want to finish. She was very, very obviously enjoying it. And then would stop me and tell me that she wanted me to stop. And then say she wanted me to go on top. I would say, can we just keep going? You’re enjoying it, so why not keep going? Like.. why not try to keep going if you’re really enjoying it? Maybe if you focus, we’ll get you there, and you’ll enjoy that more? But she would say, “but I want you (not oral sex)”. She would say, “but I want you” again and again. Until I went on top. And so I guess I would jump on top.

***

Positions

We did other ones as well. Ummmmm. I actually hate talking about this, so I won’t. It’s too awkward. I’m just skipping most of this conversation. Yes, I’m skipping the rest of the conversation about sex. Because I just don’t want to have it. We did normal and enjoyable stuff in a normal way. But I don’t want to talk about it.

****

****

Non sexual physical affection

We were very affectionate. I would have her rest her head on my chest and hold her while we lay in bed and talked. We would rest there for ages in one another’s arms at the end of the day, until one of us said it was time to go to sleep*. Amanda would say something like, “it’s time to stop cuddling”, and then we would stop and go to sleep. 

Or another example is that we would sit on the couch and hold hands and watch stuff on the TV, or I’d have my head in her lap and she would stroke my face or massage my scalp. I adored her. I would just want to always be with her. I was besotted.

We read about the “Five Love languages” in a marriage book. Amanda told me that her favourite love language was presents and acts of service. And I told her that physical touch was mine. I just loved holding her hand, or having my arm around her, or hugging her, or holding her while we lay down and talked. Or I loved having her play with my hair or stroke my face while we were just relaxing together.

*or once we were staying in separate rooms, I would stop cuddling her and go to my room to read and then sleep. The routine was often that we would pray, then have sex, then cuddle for a fair while until she was about to fall asleep. And then I would extricate myself and go to my room to read and sleep.

****

****

Last topic…

I shouldn’t really be having to write this up at all.

To write about sex when it comes to a person and group of people who crippled me is horrific and disturbing.

I’ve suffered tons of really serious and harsh treatment in my life. Like, being crippled for years due to scientific experimentation. And I was basically living with the woman who was a part of a criminal gang that crippled me.

And the experimentation was the equivalent of being an inmate in Mengele’s lab at Auschwitz-Birkenau (Auschwitz II).

And a full 25ish medical professionals (or similar) saw me over the years and no one told me why I was sick and then had become crippled. And nor did my father, mother or brother.

****

****

Full list of medical professionals

I saw one at Coastal Medical Rooms in 2005, I think that it was Dr Peter Davis.

I saw a second one at Mazengarb road. His name was Dr Meaburn Staniland.

I saw two Indian woman doctors at Victoria University

I saw a Chinese woman doctor, by the name of Dr Susie Poon

I saw an unnamed male doctor at Victoria University

I saw a doctor on Lambton quay

Dr Amanda Clarke

Dr Ruth Brown

Dr Diane Carter

Dr Robyn Crow, if I remember correctly

A male doctor at team medical, whose name I don’t know

Dr David Waite

Dr Peter Roberts

Dr Professor Alister Neill

Dr Rebecca lam

Dr Janet Turnbull

A nurse with Rebecca Lam, named Jess

Dr Yanyee Seto

A male physiotherapist at Victoria University physiotherapy

Raumati Beach Physio, Lesley Unka

Nathan Scott Physio, at Team Medical

The Back Institute (TBI): three physiotherapists

At Princeton Road after I was crippled.

Michelle Snater (CCDHB), physio therapist

Nicola Dunford, occupational therapist (ORA, CCDHB)

Deborah Little, Occupational Therapist (ORA)

The nurse manager at Geneva Healthcare, Jamie

A nurse from Geneva Healthcare, Geraldine

Dr Simon Rankin 

That’s about 32

And four counsellors or psychotherapists.

Which makes about 37. And none of them told me it was cell towers and satellites.

And a bunch of phlebotomists and a few nurses.

****

****

If you haven’t read it yet, please read my life story parts 1-7 and the background story. 

Also, “misc stories” and “how I got this way part 2” are extremely important also.