Life Story: Parts 5, 6 and 7, section B

I started writing this on the 23rd of May, 2026

I have divided it up into sections A, B and C

Section C was uploaded on the 31st of August

Parts five, six and seven of my life story

Section B

Amanda

Next, I think that I will talk about Amanda.

Sally: What do you want to talk about in particular?

We were married and living together, and we had flatmates. She was my primary confidante and we talked often about my health and pretty much anything. And I had just dropped out of university. And it was 2009. I was quite unwell.

By the way, I had this problem in life where people didn’t seem to believe me when I said that I was unwell. They behaved as though I was suffering from a psychosomatic illness. They had this strange habit of basically telling me that it was psychological in origin, but often without saying it outright as an assertion. Some of them all but said that it was psychological. Even my father and Aunty Wendy suggested that it was psychological. My father said to me things like, “are you sure it’s not just depression?” Or, “what if you’re just allergic to Amanda?”. Amanda was one of the people who believed me when I talked about my health problems. She believed me when I said that I was unwell, and she tried to be “supportive” (her term, not mine). My doctors also seemed either not to take my health problems seriously, or implied that they were psychological in origin. And so I will talk about that aspect a bit. I basically got told that it was all in my head. Amanda believed me though.

Sally:  Okay.

David: When it came to my health, I relied on Amanda for advice and support a fair bit. If I needed something she could pick it up. If I needed a lift I could get one. But mostly if I needed someone to talk to, or someone to bounce ideas off of then she was the one to talk to. But at the same time she was a fake. A total fiction and a fraud. But I didn’t know it. I thought that we were a married couple who loved one another. But as it so happens, we were not.

I also thought that she was a genuine Christian. Which was a really big deal to me at the time. I thought that she was a true believer like me. I don’t want to belabour this point, because then it will come across as though I am over-explaining. And perhaps the only type of people who don’t understand this bit are maybe a couple of dozen New Zealand lesbians and 100 million Chinese communists. And those two sets of people are just pretending not to understand. And so I will simply say it once again that I thought that she was a genuine Christian.

She was actually secretly a communist activist. And connected in with cell tower and satellit-ist beliefs. She’s a bad person. Note: I can’t tell the difference between communists, Wiccans, occultists and “scientific” socialists. They’re all the same to me. Globalists and technocracy supporters and AI fetishists are all the same too, and modern feminists as well. It’s all the same to me (sort of).

The next thing I want to talk about is the fact that she didn’t leave me, split up with me or otherwise quit the marriage when I got sick. A lot of women leave their husbands when their husband gets sick or loses his health (and the other way around too! Many husbands leave their wives when their wives get sick). But she didn’t leave me. I thought that this meant that she was a good and caring person; and also that she was living in accordance with our marriage vows; and finally I thought that it meant that she cared about me and valued me as a person. And I also thought that a fair bit of this was connected in with her being a Christian. I felt that it demonstrated that she was the sort of person who honoured commitments. Which I thought was pretty good, given that she came from a broken home and had a bad background. Now as it so happens, I was incorrect. She was a total fake, a fraud and her life story was a piece of fiction. 

The next thing to say is that my health problems seemed to spur her on to work harder at university. She took the fact of my being too sick to study as a reason to step up and study even harder at university. To work harder and to get better marks. And she pushed her marks up high enough to get into honours. And then she worked hard to finish honours, and to do so with first class honours. Now that is a complicated story, because I think that she “cheated” a little bit by getting answers and advice from “wifi” to help her in tests. And also every essay of hers was heavily edited by some combination of me, Jess Mackenzie and Amanda’s Nana (Natalie Bowles). But I can confirm that she did study quite hard as well. She claimed to do this because she thought that she might need to support us. She had said that the plan was for me to be academically successful and then the breadwinner, but that it didn’t work out that way. And so she needed to work harder to make sure that she could get a good job so that we could stay afloat as a couple, just in case I didn’t have good health and couldn’t support us and a family properly.

And so she studied quite hard. She was often to be found sitting at the desk or lying on the floor or on the bed surrounded by study notes. She was a real note taker and note rewriter. She fussed over her notes a lot. I think that she studied so hard that it affected her health a bit. I was proud of her for doing so well. I had always thought that she was smarter and had more potential than she felt that she had. And I also thought that her family and friends underestimated her too.

Sally: Why did you think that she was smart? 

David: She loved reading, she could speak intelligently, she could cope with abstract concepts and abstract thinking, and she got put into accelerated history at high school (she did history a year early in school, instead of her social studies class, back in 4th form). Now let’s be sensible about this and put it into perspective and say that I didn’t think that she had the potential to sign up for something like engineering or physics at a good university and be a straight A+ student. Which is to say that I felt that she was smart, but not extraordinarily smart. But I thought that she could do quite nicely. I felt that she was brighter than other people gave her credit for. And perhaps the fact that I “believed in her” spurred her on to work harder and achieve more in university than she may have otherwise.

Sally: So she worked harder at university and did better than expected? And she did this because she had to do better at it so that she could support you guys?

David: Yes, that’s the long and short of it.

Sally: Please tell me more about Amanda. And your marriage.

So far as I could tell at the time we loved one another and cared about one another. We did argue a fair bit, and she was grumpy a fair bit of the time. We were both quite religious. We used to go to church together. But then she stopped over time. We used to pray before bed every day. And I used to pray before dinner every day (saying grace). Religion played a significant part in our life together and in our opinions too. We discussed things from a religious perspective often. And she described herself as a Christian. We both took Christianity as a given, and also as a starting point in conversations.

We both read The Marriage Book by Nicky and Sila Lee. And we both thought it seemed like a good book. We both read Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.

On the topic of self help books, I also read Why Men Don't Listen & Women Can't Read Maps: How to spot the differences in the way men & women think by Allan Pease, Barbara Pease. But I didn’t think all that much of it. That book came from a secular point of view.

[I loved reading by the way. I always loved reading books. And I have always read huge numbers of books all my life. When I was capable of reading at least. I’m a book-aholic. And as part of that I enjoy reading non-fiction, “how to” books, pop psychology books, history books, self help books and self improvement books. I read anything. I’m a massive reader when I get half a chance.]

We both wanted to have children one day. But not quite yet. We did discuss how we would want to raise them etc. We both said that we wanted to have them baptised and raise them “in the church”. That is we would take them along to church and Sunday school so that they were raised with Christian values.

What else?

Amanda liked video games. She liked Tekken Tag, Tekken Five and a few other games. She also liked Guitar Hero, Rock Band, Kingdom Hearts and Dance Dance Revolution. She wasn’t as much of a fanatical gamer as I was, but she did like video games. She also got addicted to FarmVille for a while and was briefly into Sonic The Hedgehog. And she really, really liked the game Witcher Three (but that was years later).

We both enjoyed the TV series Black Books, Kyo Kara Mao and a few others. We both also enjoyed watching Miyazaki movies. We watched them together.

Sally: So what was the relationship like?

David: It’s difficult to explain. The reason for that is that I now know that the whole thing back then was fake.

But I will explain things all the same.

First of all, we were very affectionate. For example, I always had my arm around her and was holding her hand etc. I was very attached to her. And she was affectionate towards me also. And we talked all the time. She was the person I spent the most time with. We were always together. Next, her attitude towards me and my health problems was, “well, we’re married and you’re got me!”. “I’m with you always”. And she also was kind of like, “we’re a team”. We had promised to stay with one another for as long as we both lived, and to care for one another if ever we got sick. The exact wording of our vows was, “I will be faithful to you, love you and respect you; tending to you in sickness and rejoicing with you in health, as long as we both shall live.”

The next thing is that we argued a fair bit. Which was quite annoying. I felt at the time that perhaps some argument and conflict is a normal thing and to be expected for newly wed couples. But anyway, she didn’t come from a Christian household, she instead came from what might be described as a broken home. Which means that I think she lacked basic communication skills and conflict resolution skills. But that wasn’t the actual issue, the actual issue is that she was just a bad person and acting in a deliberately screwed up manner. For example, arguments and conflict often weren’t resolved in an intelligent and sensible manner.

Next, my health put a bit of a damper on the life that we may have wanted to live together. The most obvious thing was that it affected my ability to work and study. The second thing that it affected was my ability to take care of household tasks like cooking, cleaning and laundry. That wasn’t so bad in 2007 and 2008, but it did get worse from 2009 onwards. And Amanda had to pick up the slack, which put some strain on things.

The next thing to say is that I went to her for advice about my health and many other things. She was my main confidante in life and also about my health in particular. I used to bounce ideas off of her often. Especially ideas and thoughts about health, what was wrong with me physically, and what I could do about it. We talked often, as is the norm for married couples.

For example, I talked to her about my diet, doctor’s appointments, blood tests, the low GI idea, the glucose tolerance test idea, prayer meetings, the fact that Jesse had had chronic fatigue syndrome but had recovered, miraculous supernatural healing, cold showers as a therapy, the Alexander Technique and posture, yoga, meditation, relaxation techniques, supplements, the effect of warm weather on my symptoms and the possibility of moving to a warmer climate, my inability to exercise, and lastly we often talked about how my family weren’t helpful and didn’t believe that I had problems. We also talked about digestion and stuff like that. We also talked about things like the best way to deal with my dropping out of university.

We also used to talk about my ideas for inventions and political interventions as well (I was a hardcore libertarian at the time). Or what policies and laws we should have in New Zealand for crime, or what we thought of certain things morally. We talked a fair bit about economics, economic ideas. Ideas to do with the reformation of the education system. And sociology. We both thought that legalising cannabis was a good thing, but that it was probably unhealthy for people, and that they shouldn’t smoke a ton of it. As a libertarian, I felt that drugs should be legalised, but that people shouldn’t do them. I was anti drugs and pro legalisation. We discussed things like abortion. We discussed things like intellectually handicapped people and their place and role in society. We talked about all sorts of things. Like how we would still be together when we were old and grey. We talked about ideas I had for video games. And we talked about how marriage should be for Christians. And we talked about how to do good things in the world. And about things like prison reform, child sex trafficking, policing and many other things. And we used to talk about solving problems like… “why don’t our flatmates pull their weight”. Please remember here that we were young. We talked about things like how to get the flatmates to make less noise at night (such as by turning the TV down or not slamming doors). We talked about trying to get Philip to eat his vegetables and how to get Natalie to clean her room.

I cared about her quite a bit. And I made a real effort to let her know how much I cared about her. I would buy her thoughtful gifts, and also tell her very often about how much I loved her, adored her and appreciated her. I tried to make her nice food, and things she would like (like crispy roast potatoes, and then potato cakes with the leftover potatoes, or pad Thai, lentil curry or my potato and pea curry). I spent a lot of time with her. We would go for walks on the beach and stuff like that. And we would spend time going to her grandparents place or we would spend time with the in laws (we spent a fair bit of time with her grandparents together). Or we would spend time with members of my family also. I enjoyed spending time with her. We would talk for ages about nothing much. I just wanted to be around her all of the time. When we were walking about looking at shops, I had to be holding her hand. If we were talking to someone else, I might have my arm around Amanda’s waist or she would have her arms draped over me. Stuff like that. We were very close (or at least I thought that we were).

Sally: So to cut a long story short, what you’re saying is that you loved Amanda and cared about her and also that you were nice to her and did things like buy her thoughtful gifts. And you wanted to spend time with her and you acted like she mattered to you, and that overall you adored her.

David: Ahahaha. Well if you put it that way. I guess you said it not me. Yes, something like that. You could say that she mattered to me and that I adored her, and I suppose it wouldn’t make sense for me to disagree.

We were married. And I was very fond of her. Unfortunately, it turns out that it was all lies and garbage. Everything about her was lies and garbage. She was also quite difficult at the same time and seemed to have serious mental problems.

*

Note: I don’t really enjoy talking about my relationship with Amanda. I cared about her an awful lot back then. But then it turns out that these so called people crippled me in a thoroughly horrific manner and kept me in a very bad way for years and years and years. This includes my wife. They actually made me sick, crippled or otherwise very infirm and badly impaired. And I have been any one of those things since I was 18, it’s horrible. 

And so to talk about feelings. Blah blah blah. It’s not something I enjoy.

I don’t like to talk about certain things directly, because it’s just too horrible. That’s why the language is so clunky sometimes.

*

Sex

We slept together maybe about 5-6 times per week on average (excluding when she had her period).

I don’t want to talk about this at length in this part of the story.

*

Amanda, marriage and conflict

I didn’t like being married to Amanda very much. I loved her, but I thought that she had mental problems as a result of having had a bad childhood. And in particular she had claimed to have been molested as a child and that this had screwed her up. I loved her all the same.

She was grumpy sometimes and I thought that this was because she was psychologically disturbed and had mental issues. I actually just thought she was grumpy because of things like: birth control pills, which gave her emotional problems via her hormones, and then at other points she had blamed noise pollution and being cooped up in a studio apartment, and then mainly we both blamed the fact that had a bad childhood (she claimed that she had been molested as a child by both her step father and step brother [lies on both counts, I think], and she also claimed that having an alcoholic father had a negative affect on her. I also thought her mother may have been hopeless when Amanda was young, and engaged in mild/ moderate neglect perhaps. And was overly permissive too, not strict enough). And then later on in our relationship it was because of stress, in particular the stress of having a sick husband and being the primary breadwinner. And that these things caused her to be grumpy.

She was grumpy, but I was a compassionate and kind person. For example, she would get grumpy, and then I would ask “why are you grumpy”? And then she would claim that she wasn’t grumpy (lies). And then we would have an argument. That is one common example of how conflict happened. She would pretend that nothing was wrong when obviously something was wrong, and then she wouldn’t communicate properly.

But I was kind and forgiving and tried to resolve the conflict in a sensible manner. And I was patient with her because I thought that she was psychologically disturbed and had mental problems.

I didn’t know that she was being a massive cow to me on purpose. It didn’t occur to me. Why didn’t it occur to me? Firstly, is perhaps because of this thing called “the false consensus effect”*.

So here is how it goes, I am a good person, and kind, patient, reasonable and honest. I believed in the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do to you. And the idea of being cruel to a person by creating unnecessary conflict and drama, and then lying about it, wouldn’t have occurred to me. And so I projected my own values onto her, and so wasn’t able to realise or comprehend that she was being a cow on purpose.

*”Research on social projection supports the existence of a false-consensus effect whereby humans have a broad tendency to believe that others are similar to themselves, and thus "project" their personal traits onto others. This applies to both good and bad traits; it is not a defense mechanism for denying the existence of the trait within the self.”

Secondly, it is because of logic. Why would someone who is a bad person but also able bodied and employed stay with someone who sick and an invalid, and honour their vows and care for them if they weren’t basically a decent person? And why wouldn’t they just leave. Why not just dump them if you didn’t like them and didn’t care about them?

If I had known that she was mean on purpose, and therefore also lying about being mean. I.e. a massive cow who pretended that she was a cow because of mental problems, then I would have left her quite quickly. I wouldn’t have wasted time being kind and patient to someone who wasn’t acting in good faith. Kindness, patience and compassion run out very quickly when you’re dealing with people who aren’t worthy of it and aren’t acting in good faith.

And that was my digression on Amanda and conflict.

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David: Shall I move on? I would like to talk about my in-laws for a while.

Sally: Go for it. What part did they play in your life from 2009-2011.

David: Ok then, my in-laws. Let’s talk about them.

I have already spoken about my father-in-law, Darryl, in a previous page and so I will talk about my step-mother-in-law Natasha first. After that I will talk to you about the rest of that side of Amanda’s family, and I’ll do that person-by-person. And then I’ll tell you about the part that they played in my life from 2007 to 2011. Now I know that I’m supposed to be talking about 2009 to 2011, but I’ll expand it out a bit. As for Darryl, I might create a separate page for his stuff (there’s a lot of stuff about Darryl out there to look at if you’re interested). Or I might just include it as a part of this conversation.

*

Natasha

Natasha is a Russian woman who immigrated here from Kazakstan. She is a white Russian, not a native Kazakh (by ethnicity). She was blonde and of maybe a little above medium height for a woman. She spoke with a strong Russian accent. She loved the Soviet Union/Bloc and used to wear items of clothing with the hammer and sickle on it. Which I thought was odd, given how awful the Soviet Union was. It was just a t-shirt or seething though. She was in her thirties and had one daughter with Darryl. Their daughter’s name is Maria. Natasha liked wine, computers and technology. She had a PhD in psychology from a communist university. In New Zealand her degree was considered to be the equivalent of a masters degree. She worked at the Kapiti Skills Centre. At the time the Kapiti Skills Centre provided foundation education, computing and administration education, and life skills and employment support to youth and adult learners as an alternative to traditional schooling. It was a place for alternative learners who had dropped out of standard or traditional learning environments. In layman’s terms, she worked in special education, educating drop outs and misfits*.  As it so happens, she worked alongside Marcia Johnson, who is Brynn Huso’s mother. She later got a job teaching Information Technology at Kapiti College.

*Some of the people she educated were the sort of people who had been labelled as having “mental health” problems and were medicated up to their eyeballs because of it. This included youth and teenagers who were so heavily medicated that they were basically zombies and couldn’t think or learn.

*

Maria 

Their daughter Maria was a child at the time and has blonde hair. She liked soft toys and the petting zoo. Once she got older, she liked trading cards and computer games. She also played netball.

He was my half sister-in-law.

*

Ludmilla and Victor 

Ludmilla (Luda) and Victor were Natasha’s parents. They lived with Darryl and Natasha. Their English wasn’t amazing. They were nice though.

*

Nana Kath

Nana Kath existed. She was quite old. She was very fond of Darryl. She lived to be 99 years old. She lived in New Plymouth and so did her son Tracy.

https://deaths.taranakidailynews.co.nz/nz/obituaries/taranaki-daily-news-nz/name/kathleen-ward-obituary?id=39984362

*

Uncle Tracy 

He was a Christian. And lived in New Plymouth. He was married and had a few children. He died of a heart attack not that long ago at the age of 62.

I didn’t know Amanda’s uncle Tracy very well. Amanda said he was a fairly nice person.

https://deaths.taranakidailynews.co.nz/nz/obituaries/taranaki-daily-news-nz/name/trace-ward-obituary?id=39849685

And that’s Amanda’s father’s side of the in-laws.

I will now talk about the part they played in my life.

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Darryl, Natasha, Maria and that side of my in-laws

Let’s talk about their presence in my life from 2007 to 2011. I know that I am supposed to be covering only 2009 - 2011, but I want to cover a wider period of time for Darryl’s side of the in-laws.

David: I liked Natasha, Darryl and Maria. I liked that side of my in-laws. They were easy to get along with. Especially Natasha and Maria. And the fact that Darryl was a Christian helped.

Sally: Tell me about them.

David: I met them in early 2007. This was after I got back from the USA and Europe. This was after Amanda and I were already engaged. Amanda and I got engaged back in late 2006.

I had actually seen Darryl once before, fishing for eels from the bridge across the Raumati stream while walking back from Amanda’s place. Strangely enough, this was on the very same day that Amanda and I got engaged. I didn’t know him at the time, and I don’t know if I recognised him, so I didn’t say hello. Which is a strange story, but such is life.

But anyway, I met them all for the first time early in 2007. Amanda and I visited them at their house on Margaret Road, Raumati Beach. They made a fairly good impression. And they seemed nice.

The next point I want to make is that I realise it was an unusual thing for a young woman to just all of a sudden just get engaged, even for a young Christian woman who had recently converted to Christianity, but they seemed to cope just fine. Again, I want to acknowledge that it was kind of a crazy thing for a young woman of only 18 to just all of a sudden be engaged to be married. And I acknowledge that I hadn’t even met her fathers’s side of the family first! And so at the time I had felt that it could have been considered a little bit offensive. But they didn’t protest or make a fuss. (Now in hindsight, they were all scumbags and fakes. And they knew that Amanda was a parasite and a fake Christian, and all of them were in on it.)

My view of things at the time is that Amanda had had a troubled background, and gone off the rails a bit in school, converted to Christianity, and then she and I had then got engaged (and then married). And that now we were the slightly unusual fundamentalist Christian couple in the family. And that maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing that Amanda had converted to Christianity and that she and I were together! This next bit is only tangentially related, but Amanda also told me often that without me, she might not have survived. She claimed that she had been very depressed and suicidal back when we first got together. And that she relied on me to keep her sane (more about that later). And that without me and without becoming a Christian she may have killed herself. I thought in some ways that I had been a good influence on Amanda, and had also been instrumental in her choice to become a Christian.

Anyway, I liked visiting their house. And sometimes Amanda and I went to her father’s church instead of the CCC. In fact, Amanda preferred St Marks Anglican church to the CCC.

Natasha and her mother used to cook Russian fried potatoes for me (which I liked). Amanda raved about the fried potatoes. They were just fried potatoes and onions in a frying pan, but they were pretty nice. I liked the fried potatoes so much that I asked for their recipe/instructions. And once I learned how to make them, I used to make them for Amanda and me sometimes, but I admit that Natasha and her mother did a better job of it, even though mine were nice too. Darryl used to make tofu, which Amanda loved. And Luda made plov sometimes, which I quite liked. And she even gave some to Amanda sometimes when I wasn’t there, so that Amanda could take some home for me. She used to make it with chickpeas, meat and carrots in it. I appreciated this. They were welcoming to me. And offering people is an important part of hospitality and kindness for Russians, or so it seems. Natasha was a good host and quite welcoming.

Back when I first met his side of the family, they lived right beside St Mark’s Anglican Church. Right beside it. There was a gate to walk through to get from the church to the house and back again. You didn’t have to go out to the street. You just walked through the gate. He preached at the church sometimes. He was a lay minister at the church (to be a lay minister means he hadn’t been ordained, and wasn’t a formal part of church leadership). Amanda and I used to go to this church sometimes. A fair bit actually. And not just when Darryl was preaching either. It would be the four of us. Me, Amanda, Maria and Darryl. It was a small church. Maria would play with the toys in the kids area at the back of the room. She was three or four years old. Amanda and I would listen to the sermon, recite the stuff from the liturgy book, and sing the hymns. We shook the hand of the main minister in the way out of the church service. And then we went to have tea and a biscuit in the little building just behind the church and we would socialise with the other parishioners. This is the norm in New Zealand churches (tea, coffee or a biscuit). After that we went through the gate to Darryl and Natasha’s home to visit for a while. And we would spend time with that side of the family.

By the way, they were living extremely close to where Amanda and her mother normally lived (5 Weka Road). And so even in 2007 and 2008 we saw them a fair bit. We also saw them a fair bit in 2009-2011. Amanda went there a lot as well. And sometimes they came to 5 Weka Road.

Darryl, Natasha, Maria and Natasha’s parents all moved to Hulme Way in around about 2009. Hulme Way is a stone’s throw away from Princeton’s Road. 

By the way, before becoming a Christian Darryl had had a bad past (alcohol especially). And so I believed that his becoming a Christian to have been a massive improvement for him. I didn’t exactly see him as a role model or someone to look up to.

As mentioned elsewhere, he had been a massive fan of punk rock when younger. He loved punk.

*

Lesley had bad mouthed Darryl before I even got to know him. Lesley told me that Darryl was no good, and Amanda told me that he had been a terrible father and that the only reason that she had a relationship with them at all was because of Maria (and Natasha). From what I could see, he had turned his life around. But Amanda seemed to think that he was still not such a good person.

*

They invited us to a party in 2010, which I went to. And that was nice. Quite a few people were there.

We also spent time there in general just visiting them.

****

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A little bit more about Darryl

He was my father-in-law. He was an Anglican minister when I met him, but when he was younger, he was a punk, an alcoholic, and a wastrel in general. He liked punk music. He grew up in a Christian household in New Plymouth with his mother.

He was quite overweight when I met him, and became quite obese overtime. He has also had a bad back. And at one point it was so bad that he had to sleep flat on his back on the floor for extended periods of time.

I should mention that he didn’t learn to drive until late in life (he was a nervous driver and got flustered at intersections).

Back when Amanda was young he had massive conflicts with Lesley over custody. They were both terrible people. He lost in court a fair bit, and ended up being excluded as a parent. He started doing spurious lawsuits against Lesley and her parents. It was expensive. He would do things like steal lemons from Natalie and Ken’s lemon tree. And then Natalie would react, and then take him to court, and then he would represent himself. And it would cost her lots of money in legal fees. They were all bizarre and horrible people. He also had some problems with tax evasion. Lesley and Darryl experienced a lot of conflict in their life. They buried the hatchet eventually. 

He got into father’s rights ministry at one point. He was trying to fight for the rights of fathers. Which seems odd to me? Given that he’s helping Amanda to commit IVF fraud, perjury, conspiracy to defeat justice and a number of other crimes. The whole situation is enormously hypocritical.

Here is a paper he wrote about pastoral care for excluded fathers. He seems to have written it as part of a theology qualification.

https://www.howcommunicate.com/extra-uploads-darryl-s-paper-on-pastoral-care-for-excluded-fathers

He was born and raised in New Plymouth where is mother Kathleen still lived.

According to his website he now works for a child protection organisation. As an investigator. But his linkedin tells me that he works at the office of the ombudsman. So I’m not sure which of those two things is true.

**

If you want more information:

Then here is another page with extra stuff about him, if you are interested:

https://howcommunicatetwo.blogspot.com/2026/07/a-few-samples-of-darryl-wards-writing.html

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Next part of talking about my former in-laws here

Amanda’s Grandparents: Natalie and Kenneth Bowles (Ken)

I used to see Amanda’s grandparents a fair bit. This was back when Amanda and I first got together. We used to go there a lot together. And that might be the next thing to talk about.

We stayed there quite a bit, and often over night. I first started going there in 2007. We had family dinner night there as well. It was a weekly family dinner night. We socialised and talked with her grandparents a fair bit. We house sat sometimes when they were away. And we walked their dog, Roxy.

We visited them for Sunday roasts. Or weekly family dinner. Or sometimes Friday pizza night (frozen pizza). Sunday roasts involved meat, potatoes, vegetables, Yorkshire puddings and gravy. Sometimes dinner was just pulled pork, vegetables and potatoes. Amanda actually spent a lot of time living with her grandparents growing up. She stayed there often. It was like her second home. She really liked her grandparents.

We would often stay for the weekends with them. Because Wellington in the apartment was too loud. Or for whatever reason. We were there Friday and Saturday night. Sometimes Sunday. For example, we were having breakfast there, and were sitting at the table with them in the morning eating breakfast.

I studied at her grandparents house a fair bit. At least back when I was studying. It was a comfortable, sunny, airy house. Their house back in 2007 and 2008 was in Dale Road, Raumati Beach. Their house had a nice deck and the dining room was nice as well. They had a small second lounge upstairs that was kind of like a sun room. It was a Lockwood home.

They had a well stocked pantry with things like lots of dried apricots and roasted cashews, both of which I raided often. Amanda and I both often raided their (very well stocked) pantry. They always had cranberry juice in the fridge, which I always liked but we never bought ourselves. And Natalie and Ken bought me gluten free carrot cake muffins from the market (I was following a gluten free diet) and had gluten free cereal in the pantry. Lunch at their place was nice on Sundays, with fresh lettuces and tomatoes. And cold chicken. They bought me the nicest gluten free bread available in town from the market, so I had something nice to eat at lunch. They were kind to me (or so I thought).

They later moved to Guildford Drive, in Paraparaumu. The reason they did this was that were too many stairs at the Dale Road property and Natalie couldn’t manage them any more. She had bad knees. They had stairs to get to the second floor, but there were also a lot of stairs outside to get down to the back yard including the vegetable garden. The backyard was a lot lower down than the house itself. 

The Dale Road house was good for things like entertaining and also good for hosting things like the Christmas day lunch and other parties and get togethers. This was because they had a nice deck that adjoined the dining room and living room. We had Christmas there once or twice. And Natalie also held things like her birthday party and/or “summer bash” there. The summer bash was where Natalie invited lots of friends to a party in summer. They all got together. It was at these parties that I met Lou Gardiner, twice. He served as Chief of Army from 2006 to 2009. I think that Natalie and his wife were friends or acquaintances, and that this is how he came to be invited. I briefly chatted with him once the first time he was there (at Dale Road) and had a longer conversation with him a couple years later at Guildford Drive.

I enjoyed Christmas with Amanda’s family. They all liked exchanging gifts. And they made a huge amount of fuss over Christmas. They often bought me nice gifts. In my opinion they spent too much on gifts and food and alcohol. But that’s the way they wanted to do things.

They had two cats and a small dog.

They owned a piano and so I played piano there a lot. Which I enjoyed. It’s relaxing. Mostly I just noodled. It’s just to let the mind wander and to relax.

Both Natalie and Ken knew that I was unwell. And I talked about it with them a fair bit. Especially Natalie. She actually drove me to a doctors appointment once or twice. She was well aware of how sick I was getting and all of the hassles and struggles I had gone through trying to find answers to the health problems that I had. She could very easily have told me what was wrong with my health. We were family. She and Amanda were close. She died in 2018.

I visited her in Wellington hospital when she had a stroke. I didn’t visit her when she was dying of cancer, because I wasn’t mobile by that point.

https://deaths.dompost.co.nz/nz/obituaries/dominion-post-nz/name/natalie-bowles-obituary?id=40877727

Ken was a bus driver and Natalie was a school teacher. Ken was actually a manager at the local bus company, if I remember correctly. Or the main manager? I think he was just one of the managers.

*

Lesley

Let us talk about Lesley. Lesley Jones was my mother-in-law. I stayed with her and Amanda in the same house sometimes and I thought that we got along well. I stayed with her for quite some weeks back at the start of my first year at university. For quite a while actually. And Amanda and I often spent weekends there in 2007 and 2008. We also all went off to Vanuatu together. Amanda and I stayed with Shane and Lesley at their second home in Foxton Beach on a number of occasions. We also did things like sometimes go out to dinner or lunch. I saw a fair bit of Shane as well. And there were Christmas things, other get togethers. And we saw one another at Ken and Natalie’s place for things like family dinner night, which Lesley attended. As well as morning tea or lunch on the weekend. Sunday lunch was sometimes used as a substitute for family dinner night. Or we were at morning tea together with the grandparents. And sometimes I was at Amanda’s Grandparents when Lesley came over. We really did see a fair bit of one another. Lesley had me house sit when she and Amanda went to Tonga for a short holiday. I also took care of and walked their dog, Maggie, when I was house sitting.

Lesley knew that I was unwell. And that my health issues were a big deal. And she could have helped me, but she didn’t bother.

In some ways I guess it was odd that Amanda and I all of a sudden got engaged and married. My view of things is that Amanda had had a troubled background, and gone off the rails a bit in school, converted to Christianity, and then she and I had then got married. And that now we were the slightly unusual fundamentalist Christian couple in a family of pagans and heathens (at least on her mother’s side). And that maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing that Amanda had converted to Christianity. And so we were accepted by the family. Or I felt/thought that we were. It was a weird situation. It was actually a crazy thing to do, getting married. But oh well. I have to write the full story later. I’ve already actually written about most of it elsewhere.

I went along to Christmas with Amanda’s side of the family every year. Christmas was a big deal for Amanda and her mother. The food at Christmas was a big deal for them as well.

**

Anyway, sometimes I would bounce ideas off of Lesley. I needed advice after all. She also drove me to a doctor’s appointment once or twice. And she also lent me a book or two about diet and nutrition, and suggested that I try a gluten free diet for a while (along with Amanda). I bounced ideas off of her regarding the warm weather thing. Which is where I seemed to have much, much better energy levels when I had warm weather. By the way, the weather/climate thing was huge. I can’t remember what else I talked to her about, but she was part of the ongoing conversations about my health. Along with Amanda and Natalie Bowles (her mother). She knew that I was unwell, and could very easily have helped.

We went to Vanuatu for a destination wedding to see Simon and Terry get married. That was in 2009. I’ll talk about that in the notes. We were all there, including Amanda, Lesley, Simon, Terry, Megan, Allison, Shane, Ken, Natalie. As I said, I was part of the family. Oh wait, one of the interesting things about this trip is that I had way less fatigue symptoms while I was there. The chronic fatigue symptoms went away for a bit! It was like night and day! I longed for a repeat of that experience for years and years afterwards. At the time I thought that it must have been the climate (it was hot there, and humid; and the moment I got off of the plane and through customs, I felt a lot better. I felt better right away). And so I wanted very much to repeat the experiment and go back to Vanuatu. To see if the weather really was the thing that helped me. And would have relocated to a tropical location if that was the answer. Now of course it was the cell towers. And I know that now. But for the longest time I was wondering if it was the change in climate, the warmer and more humid weather than might solve my health problems. And that it might solve this “mystery illness” for me.

I used to think that she liked me. Or at least that we got okay. She once joked, “that having me as part of the family was like having a son that she never had to give birth to” (giving birth to Amanda was a highly traumatic thing for Lesley, and damaged her very badly, allegedly ruining her body).

By the way, she really wanted grandchildren. But I’ll talk about that later.

**

Shane

I met Shane in 2006. He was/is Lesley’s boyfriend/partner. I’ll just give you his work history first. He was in the New Zealand army for 21 years. He started out as a mechanic and he was a general staff officer when he left. He worked with technology, especially communications technology. He did a tour in Afghanistan. I think he was in the Solomon Islands for a bit as well. He then went to work for the NZDF (New Zealand Defense Force) in a civilian role as an information security analyst for seven years. And he now works for the Bank of New Zealand as an information security specialist, and has been there for eleven years. He has/had top secret special clearance. Or at least that’s what he said.

Why didn’t I get along with Shane at first? 

The answer to that question is that in early 2007, Amanda told me that Shane didn’t like me. She had also told me that she and Shane didn’t get along very well. And so I was never quite sure what to make of Shane. He usually seemed likeable enough to me. And quite intelligent also. But I didn’t get long all that well with him at first. It was just coldness though. Over time I decided that he wasn’t half bad. But we still weren’t exceptionally close. I think that Amanda had wanted to sow division in the first place, to manipulate things.

Sally: If you spent time with him, what sort of things did you talk about? What sort of things was he interested in?

I’ll give you a quick run down of that sort of thing.

He liked bourbon and coke. He owned a motorcycle, which he rarely rode. He liked computers and technology. He loves music and wasn’t half bad at guitar and mandolin. He gained a bit of weight over time. He was already not slim when he was in the military, but gained a little bit of weight after he left. He wasn’t very tall. Back when he was younger he seemed to be fairly strong. He liked kite buggying, home improvement and DIY, video games (sometimes) such as Soldier of Fortune, photography and he also got into 3D printing for a while.

When we first met, or maybe early on, he showed me pictures he took while he was in Afghanistan. He was quite a good photographer. He took good wildlife photographs as well. His stories about his time in Afghanistan were interesting to me. He also told me about his opinions about religion, he reckoned that Islam had all the best parts of Christianity in it and that I should read the Koran. That was just a throw away line at the time, but I remember it.

He was also fairly good at scrabble, or so I remember. To me this suggests that he has a fairly good mind. He never went to university.

Sally: Was he aware of the fact that you were unwell and what had caused it?

David: Yes, of course he was aware of the fact that I was unwell. And he knew what caused it. He could have told me what was wrong quite easily.

**

Next I will talk about Terry Shubkin and Simon Jones.

Terry Shubkin used to be the CEO of the youth enterprise scheme. She was in a long term relationship with Simon Jones, Amanda’s Uncle. They had been together for years. I first met her at Christmas in 2007. She liked running, trail running, diving for pāua and staying at her second home out in the Wairarapa. I asked her for advice a number of times. Or otherwise she gave me advice anyway. Either way, we talked about my health and she made suggestions. She suggested I use a light box, which is often used for depression. I wasn’t happy about that, because it implied that I was merely depressed. But I didn’t think that I was suffering merely from depression. I felt that my health problems had a real physical cause.

She is now working in corporate governance. She is the board chair for pledgeme, as a board member for Wellington Sexual Abuse HELP Foundation, she is the general manager at business Wairarapa (her main job) and on the lower North Island’s lottery distribution committee. And so many other things. You can look her up on LinkedIn.

*

Amanda’s Uncle Simon

He works at Ricoh Photocopiers and enjoys running. He also likes drinking. He has worked at Ricoh Photocopiers as a sales person (major accounts manager, which I think is a sales manager?) for 25 years.

Simon and Terry got married back in 2009. Simon is a blood relative of Amanda’s, Terry married into family.

**

Megan Jones

She is one of Amanda’s aunties. She works as a chef. She likes paddle boarding, David Bowie and Star Trek.

**

Alison Jones

She is one of Amanda’s aunties, and works as a postwoman. She likes photography and art.

**

Both Alison and Megan

I used to see both of these aunts at Christmas. And I saw them at family dinners and at Simon’s birthday dinner once. They were also just kind of hanging around at Natalie and Ken’s place sometimes. Natalie and Ken’s place ended up being used as a social hub for the family or something like that. So I saw them there. And I saw them over the years as well a bit, such as at Amanda’s mother’s place. But it was the early years of 2007 until 2011 where I saw more of them. Both of these aunties knew that I was sick. We talked about it a fair bit. It was common and established knowledge and all of the family knew that I was sick. 

**

Christmas

Amanda was fanatical about Christmas. And her family seemed to like it too. They enjoyed giving and receiving presents, eating food and drinking. They started planning Christmas months in advance. They made a fuss over who was going to serve which dish. Blah blah blah. And so I ended up going to Christmas with her family usually rather than my side of the family because it was so important to Amanda, but didn’t seem to be as important to my family. Also, my mother was overseas or in Christchurch. I went to Christmas twice in the Wairarapa at Amanda’s Uncle’s place (staying one or two nights), I went to Christmas once or twice at Lesley and Shane’s Foxton Beach place (I stayed there once or twice as well. Maybe I stayed there multiple times, like three times. Including once or twice outside of Christmas). We also had Christmas at Amanda’s grandparents at least twice (Dale Road and Guildford Drive), and once at Weka Road (after Lesley and Shane had moved back there and Amanda and I had moved out). And once on one occasion Amanda and I went to Christmas at Megan and Allison’s place in Wellington. They lived together up the side of a hill somewhere. I can’t remember where, but there were a lot of steps to get up there.

I liked Christmas. It was a real social event. And the food was good. And everyone on Amanda’s side of the family was there. Amanda, me, Megan, Lance, Allison, Ken, Natalie, Shane, Lesley, Simon and Terry.

It was often very sunny at Christmas. I would eat a lot of food. The food was good. Lesley made nice desserts, like chocolate cheese cake. Shane made nice food, like butterflies rolled lamb.

**

In general, they made me feel like I was family. I was family. I married into their family, after all. They made me feel included, especially Lesley. I got invited to Christmas, family dinner night, Natalie’s birthday party and the summer bash, and morning tea at Amanda’s grandparents house. Uhhh. In hindsight, they were all fake people and none of it was real. But I felt like I was included as a part of the family. It diminished over time as I became unwell.

They seemed to believe me when I said that I was sick. At least Lesley, Amanda and Natalie did. My own family were dismissive. And they seemed to accept me and welcome me and treat me surprisingly well considering that I was sick and had health problems (it was fake of course, I know that now).

Maybe some of them didn’t realise how sick I was. But I told them I was sick. And I wasn’t lying! I was actually very, very sick. And I had already dropped out of university.

**

The “summer bash” and other events at Natalie and Ken’s place.

Natalie held events at her place. Including birthday parties and an event that she called her “summer bash”. The summer bash was basically a garden party or get together with friends. About 50 of her friends came along. Amanda and I went also. It was at these that I met Lou Gardiner (twice).

**

Vanuatu

We went to Vanuatu as a family. It was for Simon and Terry’s wedding. They had a destination wedding.

**

Extra note about Amanda’s family

I had been healthy in high school, but then after 18 onwards, I was sick. It was like night and day. Most of the in-laws knew me after I had become sick, not before it. This doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but it might explain a little bit of it.

****

****

My side of the family

Tedge Memelink

I used to talk to my mother a fair bit. We got along okay. The damage to our relationship caused by her dragging me across Europe had mostly been repaired, because I had decided to forgive her (even though she hadn’t apologised). Or at least I thought it had been repaired.

We talked on the phone a fair bit. And I saw her reasonably often from 2009 until 2011. She was living in Christchurch at the time. 

I used to ask her for advice. Including advice relating to energy levels, digestion and back problems. I asked for her advice when it came to chronic fatigue syndrome. And we talked about my doctor’s appointments, and we talked about her health problems. We talked during those three years. She was a confidante and someone I trusted to go to for advice. She didn’t bother to give me good advice though. To put it plainly, she gave me deliberately bad advice. Which is quite unfortunate.

For example, I asked her for advice about my digestion (I had very bad constipation). The advice she gave me was to take a kiwifruit supplement known as “phloe” to get my bowels to move. She knew I had very bad digestion. And she knew what caused it. She could have just told me what was wrong. This is just one example.

I also just talked to her about normal things as well. Like gardening and various hobbies of hers. I had recently read about some permaculture stuff. And so we talked about that.

Visits: I visited her twice during the time period of 2009 to 2011. I wasn’t feeling well at all during these visits. It was pretty miserable! And she visited a few times between 2009 to 2011.

I visited her in August, 2009. To stay for five days. She was in Christchurch. This was when she was renting a tiny ground floor studio apartment.

Mum came to my 21st birthday in November 2009. We went to the restaurant “Great India” in central Wellington.

And I saw her on Boxing Day 2009, at my grandparents house. Lots of us were there. We saw one another on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day, because the family felt that it might be easier.

She visited in October 2010 for 5 days. She stayed in the spare room at 5 Weka Road.

I visited her in September, 2011. I stayed at her place in Christchurch. She had moved to a new home by this point in time.

And that’s it for the moment.

In hindsight we actually emailed one another and talked to one another a fair bit. We were closer than I might have remembered. And closer than people might have been led to believe, given all of the things that have been said online.

The second Christchurch visit was a bit of a debacle. I’ll tell you about it later.

Note: We also exchanged quite a few emails  from 2007 until 2009. I might put these online later as evidence that we were talking and exchanging emails and information.

Note 2: My mother was well known for being stubborn. And according to my father and also my mother’s father, my mother is very selfish and very self centred.

*

Matthew

My brother Matthew Solt came to stay with us for a while back in either late 2008 or early 2009. He stayed with us for about 10-11 weeks.

How this happened is that…

Matthew dropped out of school, he then stayed on at dad’s house. But didn’t do much but play video games all day. Dad didn’t want to have Matthew sticking around forever. And also Matthew and Vivian didn’t get along well. And then dad pulled a fast one by moving out of the house he was renting, and moving in with his mother. Taking Matthew with him.

This means that Matthew had no proper home. He was just living at Nana’s in Hathaway Avenue, along with Dad.

But Matthew wanted to move to Auckland to start a new life. He had wanted to move to Auckland for quite a while. It’s the biggest city in NZ and that’s what he wanted. He felt that Kapiti and even Wellington weren’t busy enough or exciting enough for him.

And so Matthew then stayed with me and Amanda for a while before moving to Auckland. It was nice having him there. I liked my brother back then and I appreciated his company.

When he went to Auckland, he studied accounting at unitech (and failed).

*

Paul

I still saw my father between the years of 2009 and 2011. I liked my father and I liked being able to spend time with him. But I wasn’t able to spend as much time with him as I would have liked to have spent with him. But we did still socialise. I missed the “good old days” of living with Dad and Matthew back at Linwood Drive. I will acknowledge though that Dad hardly acknowledged that I was sick and that this damaged our relationship quite badly. He acted like it was psychosomatic, or outright suggested that it was “just depression”. And I do feel that this did have a very negative effect on the relationship. But I still valued time with my father.

My dad moved house in 2008. And he moved to a spot up in the hills in Lower Hutt. He moved to Elizabeth Heights in Normandale. Which wasn't all that accessible by public transport, not properly anyway. And so I lost one of the reasons for moving back to Paraparaumu! It was horrible. I would have liked to have spent more time with my father. I missed my father, and would have loved to have spent more time with him.

David: I’m going to quickly talk about my father’s social life for a bit.

Sally: Okay, go for it. 

David: He broke up with Vivian somewhere along the way. And then got back together. He got married. And he had two more children (Vivian desperately wanted children!).

And Amanda didn't often want to make the drive to visit Dad in Lower Hutt (she wasn't a confident driver, or pretended not to be).

And so I saw dad less often than I might otherwise have seen him.

And also his business failed somewhere along the way. His music shop failed and he had to shut it down.

So anyway, I still saw dad and spent time with him in the years 2009 to 2011. Just not as much as I would have liked to. Ummm. Here are some examples of things we did.  We had dinner together on my birthday at the Tandoori Cafe in Raumati Beach. Me, Dad, Amanda and Vivian. He gave me a copy of Abbey Road as my birthday present. We went for drives sometimes. On one of these drives he played, “Oh Darling” by The Beatles (Paul) and said that it one of his favourite songs. Lyrics “I’d never do you no harm”. I helped him deliver a piano once. But I forget when that was. Maybe 2008. It was a light piano. I visited his place a sometimes. He sometimes visited me. He drove me to a few appointments. Sometimes in town. Sometimes in Kapiti. We played Catan at the dining room table once, he and my friends. Shane bought a mini midi keyboard through him through me. And also he came to my 21st birthday party (it was just dinner at Great India for my birthday; I liked Great India, I also went there with Scott once and once or twice with Amanda, Simon and Terry). He invited me to a family thing at his place on the 30th of December, 2009. My Aunty Wendy was there. I went to that. I think I ended up playing a little Halo 2. But it was weird. I couldn’t focus properly. Ben Brewer was there too.

I tried to do some website stuff for him in late 2009 and early in 2010. But it didn’t work out. 

Here is how it went, someone else made his website for him. And handed it to him. But then he needed stock to be entered into his website and also needed help setting it up and help updating it. But I struggled with it. I couldn’t manage to get the inventory spreadsheet to mesh/sync with the website. All I could do was enter it manually. No wait, it was just the images that didn’t sync. And so I had to steal some of those from elsewhere, and then resize them. I wasn’t sure how to get the credit card system working properly with the bank, iirc. And then at the same time I had back issues, like my upper spine hurt. Ummm. Updating a website from time to time is fine. I can do that sort of work. But that job just didn’t work out. By the way, they were actually attacking me with the cell tower nervous system thing. From their perspective they probably just thought it was “stress him”. But from my perspective I just didn’t know what was wrong with me. And I couldn’t do website stuff properly, not without having issues with my back. I couldn’t figure out why I had tightness in my chest and back and sometimes tummy. And I wondered if it was stress. But I couldn’t figure out why I should feel stress? But anyway, I quit doing that job. I had symptoms and I didn’t like the way the website was designed. It was paid work, so I was sad to lose it. But I had to focus on trying to get back to work at university. 

I actually did do a fair bit of work for a while, but in the end it petered out. I think that I charged my father for the work entering stock, but I didn’t charge him for my time attempting to redesign or otherwise fix the website. Because I failed at the redesign. The layouts for the website were broken and I couldn’t un-break them. I hate CSS.

I’ll check some old bank statements to see how much my dad paid me. I can’t remember. I did rack up some number of hours, but not an obscene number of hours.

Here is a link to emails, to prove that I was doing website stuff for him.

Link here.

**

What else?

I used to go to him to talk. And to get guidance/advice. But there is some nuance there. I didn’t always just say, “please give me advice”. Sometimes I would just kind of float the idea towards him that maybe he has some idea of what I could do. But all the same I would talk to him and bounce ideas off of him. Especially about my health. I talked to him about doctor’s visits, chronic fatigue syndrome, my gluten free diet, physiotherapist visits, the Alexander technique, how frustrating it was not to be able to do things physically. Like, I couldn’t exercise or play a sport or do martial arts. I talked to him about my bad digestion, and my attempts to deal with it by eating more fibre. I talked to him about exercise (that was a point of contention, he sometimes gave me advice where he just told me that all I needed to do was to go for a swim or a run. Which I didn’t like, because those things didn’t work well for me). I talked quite a bit about the weather and how it seemed to affect my health. Warm weather helped me to feel a lot better, cold weather was terrible for me. We talked about the way that in some locations I slept really, really well. And why that might be. For a fair while I felt that this might somehow be the answer. And we worked together to try to solve problems using the fact that at some points and in some locations I slept really, really well. I mentioned this elsewhere, in a previous page (parts 3/4), but I did an experiment where I stayed at his place to see if I felt better. It didn’t pan out. I also borrowed a bed from his place, to sleep in at my place. A spare bed. Just in case the bed I slept in was the answer to my sleep woes. He brought it over to my house at 5 Weka Road, set it up. And I slept in it. But it didn’t help. And then he took the bed back a week later. We actually did a bunch of stuff like this. And nothing helped!

Well I just wanted to say that my father and I discussed that mystery again and again. We were talking with one another again and again to figure out why I had slept well those few times and how I could make it happen again.

At one point I even tried to stay at my father’s house for a week. Just to see if that was the answer. But it wasn’t. In fact I was quite unwell, and freezing cold. And it didn’t help! I left after just 2-3 nights. Somehow it was cold no matter what I did while in that house. We just couldn’t warm it up!! I guess they hit me with symptoms (including cold rays). This particular story might demand further attention later. It was one of my experiments, and he knew it.

So yeah. We spent time together in these three years. I stayed at his house a couple of times. He came over for lunch sometimes.  He bought me a “lucky bamboo” pot plant for my birthday once. He ate fish and chips at my place.

What else?

I visited him and met Ruby when she was an infant. I saw her at his house. Where I held her for the first time, and bounced her in my arms. She was very cute. And he brought her over to visit Amanda and me. We introduced her to our cats, and she loved patting the cats. She would exclaim “cat” and pat the cat. That was a nice visit. He came over to my house to commiserate when his business failed. He said that he was “weary”. And that Vivian was bothered and confused by it. He was supposed to be a successful businessman. But he wasn’t, and now his shop had failed. He also used to complain to me about Vivian being “crazy”. He made remarks about Vivian and her weight gain, and that her thighs were getting bigger. Which I thought was uncalled for. I didn’t criticise Amanda’s appearance around my father.

What else did Dad like to talk about, he talked about his knee and his elbow. He had knee pain when it was cold. He had elbow problems too. Leading to cortisone shots in his elbow (bicep tendon?). Maybe more than once. It was a constant and ongoing problem for him. He was unable to deliver pianos or coach table tennis for a while. He used to play table tennis left handed to get around it. He had physiotherapy on it on-and-off for years. Even back in Napier. Long term problems. I think it’s okay now. Note: he hurt it back when we were in Napier. And he injured it again in Paraparaumu, arm wrestling Nico. But I think it’s okay now. It was a real issue, affecting his livelihood.

Anyways, we still socialised and saw one another. But our relationship was hampered by the fact that he acted like my illness was psychosomatic. He acted like it was just all in my head, and maybe that I just needed exercise.

But still we talked. Amanda believed me, by the way, when I said that I was unwell. But my father didn’t.

And so we were still talking and still part of one another’s life. Next I’ll talk about my grandparents and a few more members of my extended family.

*

Nana, Grandma and Grandpa

My nana knew that I was unwell and so did my grandparents. Any of these three people could have told me why I was sick.

My grandparents visited us a couple of times, and Amanda and I visited them a few times. Including once for Christmas (Boxing Day actually).

By the way, I saw a lot of my Nana growing up. And I loved my Nana when I was younger.

*

Other family members

Andrew Brewer and Ben Brewer knew that I was unwell. So did Aunty Wendy. And all the rest of my family knew too. I talked to Aunty Wendy a little bit every now and then. She enjoyed long phone calls. And it was nice talking to her. But she didn’t tell me what was wrong. I used to really like Aunty Wendy. I saw a fair bit of her growing up.

*

My trip in 2011 to see Mum and Aunty Wendy

I went on a trip down South to visit my mother. And while I was there I also visited Aunty Wendy.

I will talk about it now.

I hadn’t seen my mother for a while. And so I travelled by plane down to Christchurch. I stayed with her for 5 days. Matthew stayed there too. She and Arnold were by then living in a house that they owned. On this trip I had very bad digestion (extremely bad constipation) and plenty of fatigue. I didn’t feel good. Also, Matthew and Arnold fought a bit (argued) and Matthew stormed off. He ended up staying at Aunty Wendy’s place.

I also went to Aunty Wendy’s house to visit for an afternoon. In this afternoon I saw Andrew and Ben. And I played a game of Halo 3 with Ben, briefly. And ordered pizza. It’s only one of two times that I have played Halo 3.

This is a bit of a digression, but I think that it may have been some sort of illustration or otherwise symbolic. Aunty Wendy sprayed a spider with fly spray on a hedge just outside her house beside the footpath. She actually sprayed it outdoors, which I have never seen. Before she sprayed it, I noticed that it had used foam around itself to stay warm (it was winter). She said that she knew that she shouldn’t use pesticides on a bug in a hedge outside, and that it wasn’t doing any harm, but she wanted to make sure it didn’t find it’s way out of the cold into the warm house.

During this trip my mother had a barbecue and potluck dinner (combined). She also tried to give me advice in which she suggested that I become a chef. She basically acted like I was just depressed and should become a chef instead of going back to school to study accounting. I hated it when people did that. I will say that at the time, cooking was my favourite hobby. She also insisted that I go for a walk up in the hills with her. Even though I was exhausted! I told her that I’d prefer not to. But she wouldn’t take no for an answer. It was hardly a walk. But still it left me feeling worse. It’s like she didn’t understand that I was unwell. She was so disconnected with reality. She acted like and insinuated that I was just suffering from a psychosomatic disorder, or depression, or that I was otherwise just faking being ill. And that I just needed a change of direction in life: and a switch from accounting to cooking.

*

My visit to Christchurch in 2009

I visited my mother in Christchurch in 2009. I stayed in a one bedroom apartment with her and Arnold. I slept in the lounge on the floor on a foam mattress. This was a rented house.

I read a book about economics while I was there. We had a mediocre treat from a gluten free bakery, I had some lentil curry from an Indian takeaways at a mall. And we looked around town for a little bit.

I had extremely bad digestion while I was there (severe constipation: of the hard, dry, sharp “sheep’s pellet” variety). And I spent a fair bit of time in the bathroom.

My mother had experienced kidney failure and was hoping for a replacement to turn up. She was waiting for a transplant. She was dialysis.

And that’s everything to do with my family for now.

*

The Vanuatu Trip (July, 2009)

Amanda’s Uncle Simon and his long term girlfriend/partner Terry decided to get married. But they didn’t want to get married in New Zealand like normal people. And so they decided to do a “destination wedding” in Vanuatu. A destination wedding is where you go overseas to get married, and all of your guests go overseas also, even though it is expensive. And so Amanda and were invited of course. I think that someone paid for our tickets (Simon and Terry). We had to pay for our own accommodation and food though. People weren’t happy though because it was expensive (some of the aunts). I didn’t actually want to go. Because I wasn’t feeling well, and it would cost money that we didn’t really want to spend. But we went all the same. Amanda said that her Uncle Simon and Aunty Terry were generous with things like birthday and Christmas gifts, so we figured that it was swings and roundabouts (Amanda loves presents). Vanuatu is a nice place, it really is. But it’s best enjoyed when you’re feeling nice and healthy.

The time for travelling to Vanuatu came, and we flew there via Auckland. And so we arrived in Vanuatu. I wasn’t looking forward to it, because my health and energy levels were so awful. Anyway, we got out of the plane. And it was hot and humid. Ken, Natalie, Lesley, Megan, Allison, Amanda and I were there. And the moment I got out into the warmth, I felt better. I felt so much better.

And then I had a few days of nice health. And also it was nice walking around looking at things. We went to the market, we visited a small island, we went on a flat bottom boat. I saw coral (which I loved). We explored a little. Now I wasn’t 100%. But I felt quite a bit better! The energy came back. And for me, that was a really, really big deal. (It’s actually a significant part of my life story). Because of this trip I felt that the weather was a big part of my health. And I longed to feel the return of my energy levels like I did with this trip to Vanuatu. And so I would even day dream about moving to the tropics: but it was just that the cell tower effects were reduced. It was all electronic! I still had constipation though. The constipation was pretty bad! That was electronically induced, and perhaps worse than normal.

*

The Lesley incident + trying to be kind

Lesley had a really bad day on the night of the wedding.

Here is what happened. There is actually a lot of stuff to mention in this story before we get to the main part of the story.

Firstly, Lesley had serious problems with her uterus or cervix. And she often had extraordinarily significant bleeding when she got her period. Amanda had mentioned this to me. I think the term she used was flooding. I think that she had cancer, not that it had been mentioned to me at the time. She later had her uterus and cervix removed in a hysterectomy. But anyway, she had problems with her period.

Secondly, she also has had serious problems with mosquito bites in the past. She had reactions to them that were much worse than might be usual for most people. She got nasty reactions almost on the level of welts? Maybe it’s like skeeter syndrome, or maybe it’s a little less serious. Because of that she was on antihistamines. She also tried to wear long trousers to prevent bites.

Thirdly, she is a heavy drinker (aka a functioning alcoholic) and didn’t seem to control her drinking well. She just drinks too much. I had sometimes encouraged her to drink a little less, or by way of an example, brought her something non alcoholic when we were all sitting about at Christmas. But she drinks too much.

Fourthly, anti histamines and alcohol don’t mix. It’s contraindicated, and she knew it, and it had been talked about. It can cause extreme sleepiness, poor balance, slow reactions, and cause sedation etc if you drink while on antihistamines. You get bad stuff happening if you mix them. You’re not supposed to drink if you’re on the drugs she was on. But she was trying to drink while also taking antihistamines. Almost like testing the limits and boundaries, as an experiment. A lot of her family drinks quite heavily, by the way.

The wedding itself was fine. The wedding itself was about four or five days into the trip. The ceremony was nice, the reception was nice too. They had nice food at least such as lobster, seafood and other stuff. The wedding and reception were on a special/separate island called Iririki. Which was just a short ferry ride away from the port.

As the evening wore on, she ended up with excessive bleeding. This was at the reception. She got her period early. Or something. Or she had it already, but bled much more heavily than expected. Whatever it was, she bled heavily. Flooding? And she had run out of tampons or pads or whatever she used. Anyway. I dunno what happened. It wasn’t normal bleeding, it was related to her health problems. And she bled through all of whatever she had with her. Tampons or pads. All of everything. And she had nothing left. And she bled through her dress into the seat. Which had white/cream coloured canvas. And also she was drunk. Did I mention she was drunk? And also on anti-histamines which mean you get drunk really quickly. Alcohol is contraindicated on antihistamines. She wanted to go home, but Shane didn’t. He didn’t want to escort her home. And so Lesley was being weird.

And so I suggested to Lesley that I walk with her to the ferry, then we both take the ferry back to the mainland (Port Vila) and then we take a van back to the place where we are staying (the Tradewinds). By the way, the vans just circulate in Port Vila, and charge a flat rate, and taxis aren’t the norm.

Amanda, Shane, Lesley and myself were all sitting at the same table at the reception. I suggested that I escort her back to the motel and that Shane and Amanda stay at the reception. But she then acted crazy and wanted Shane to accompany her home. She felt that if Shane cared about her, that he should accompany her home. This seems to have been a matter of tremendous importance to her on that particular evening, this idea that Shane “just didn’t care about her”. But anyway, I got her to leave the reception with me, and got her down the road towards the ferry. And then she acted even stranger. And cried a bunch (about nothing). And then a stranger (a woman) stopped to try to help and to be kind to her. And offered her a pad, or even (sorry if this is awkward) a pair of underwear, saying “I’d even share a pair of knickers with you”. As Lesley had bled through hers. The stranger seemed to be a kind person. Lesley seemed to be in good hands for the moment, so I rushed back to see Amanda and get her help (her mother was drunk, on anti-histamines, bleeding quite significantly, and a bit hysterical). And then we both accompanied Lesley back to the motel. As for the motel, we were staying at the Tradewinds in Vanuatu. And we were staying in a house shared between: Shane, Lesley, Ken, Natalie, Megan and Allison.

At the motel, Lesley proceeded to act crazy. I didn’t know it was all on purpose, I just thought that she was having emotional problems and distress as a result of being drunk, taking drugs (anti-histamines), being at a wedding, feeling neglected by Shane [he wasn’t neglecting her]. And so she claimed that Shane didn’t care about her, and that she was going to storm off! Even though she was drunk. Because he just didn’t care! And she was going to break up with him! Grrrrr. Angry, angry, angry. And she was going to do it, on the night of her brother’s wedding. She was going to storm off. And there were great hysterics and crying and fussing and fretting. And she threw her expensive iPhone down on the tile floors dramatically (she wanted a taxi but couldn’t operate her phone properly). Somehow the phone survived. And so I had to calm her down and get her to settle. I worked quite hard to try to calm her and settle her. I didn’t want her ruining her brother’s wedding night. I didn’t much mind if she broke up with Shane. But she should do it later! But she should do it later! When she gets back to New Zealand maybe. She claimed that it would have been dangerous to just walk off and storm off! But she wanted to storm off anyway, to immediately break up with Shane - dramatically. I actually just was persistent and told her again and again that she needed a shower and a change of clothes, because she was not fit to go anywhere. And I just kept badgering her to have a cup of tea. As a delaying tactic. Because, as I said, “there is no need to rush off straight away”. Eventually I persuaded her to have a cup of tea. Which was a great victory for me. And so she had a cup of tea, a shower and eventually then Shane got back and talked with her. And she decided to calm down and relax. What a loopy person I thought.

I thought I was being kind. I try very hard to be kind and helpful. It’s my Christian upbringing I guess. And that she had some sort of serious mental problems. I try very hard to be kind and patient. It never occurred to me that she’s just deliberately being crazy.

She had to have a hysterectomy some time later. She had cervical cancer, I think. And became infertile because her uterus was removed (the uterus and cervix of course being attached to one another, and rather important when it comes to having children).

She always desperately wanted to have another baby. But perhaps we can talk about that later. She also said strange things like, if Amanda were to turn out infertile, she would have wanted to carry a baby for her, because she really, really wanted grand children.

But that’s Amanda’s mother.

**

Anyway, next thing: health and weather.

Because of the trip to Vanuatu and the way I felt while I was there, I came to believe that there was a strong connection between the weather and my health. And so that factored heavily into my schemes and ideas to try to get healthy. I felt that a change in climate and weather might be a real solution to my health issues. But I might discuss that more later.

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End of section about family (for now)

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Sally: Is that every thing about your family for now?

David: I guess so.

Sally: Let’s move on.