Draft update and clarification

I’ll put this up, might take it down later.

I might regret this one, or I might just edit it later.

It is just a draft:

I am badly sleep deprived:

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Disambiguate:

revisiting a procedural matter

Would not tell a lie

This is ages ago:

Next, a lot of the stuff that happened, happened because I would not tell a lie. They told me that… I had to say “I don’t want sex” to exit the game. But it isn’t technically true to say that I don’t want sex at all. I would have liked to have found a girlfriend at some point, so I wasn’t willing to lie plainly. That is, tell a bare faced lie by saying “I don’t want sex”.

Instead, I told them again and again that I didn’t want to wager for their women, and that I wanted to exit the game, that I didn’t want to play their game, and that I was willing to walk away from the money and the women just to be okay and recover my health. I also told them again and again that I wasn’t at war with them, that I didn’t want war with them, and that I wanted peace. But they pretended that just because they sometimes viewed images and emotions from my mind that denoted conflict, that I was irredeemably hostile towards the system.

I tried to put an end to the strange game without uttering the bare faced lie of “I don’t want sex” (that is, I don’t want the women). But they wouldn’t let me end it without telling a bare faced lie by saying “I don’t want sex”.

I don’t lie. Or at least I very, very seldom lie.

[I do, however, over explain. And equivocate. And get misquoted].

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Further clarification

I genuinely suffered very badly from 2016 - 2022

I lived in a state for years where my torso was partially and/or badly collapsed inwards from the inside. It was awful.

~massive understatement~

~my current belief is that understatement works better~

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Rebuilding Torso

Yes, I did “rebuild” my torso a little bit (quite a bit) by the time I was in Motueka, Nelson, Christchurch. I worked VERY hard to do that, using mind-body methods. However, it wasn’t all the way rebuilt. I was still living in a state for years where my torso was partially and/or badly collapsed inwards from the inside. It was still awful. But much better than it was.

[Understatement incoming: I did not have a strong healthy back].

I had to do a lot to work around the issues.

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Collapsing the torso

And then to pull on it to collapse it, in the three months from the day in Bluff where things started, right through to the Hutt, is a thoroughly reprehensible, disturbing and horrible thing to do.

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Note: finding and creating the right terminology can be difficult.

Note 2: I have deliberately avoided talking about the Copthorne hotel incident itself, to avoid confusion (that incident was extremely bad, but I might wait until another day to address it)

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Further discussion, and some clarification:

Copthorne Hotel

The level of suffering was quite significant. Very significant. There was a great deal of suffering. It was awful. That was a bit of an understatement.

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Let us now discuss torture:

What is the definition of torture…

“the action or practice of inflicting severe pain or suffering on someone as a punishment or in order to force them to do or say something.”

***

Ummm. Copthorne hotel: It involved inflicting severe suffering on me. The level of suffering was severe, very severe.

Firstly, it hurt me. It hurt. But it went beyond conventional pain. It had a different kind of hurt. But there isn’t a proper English word for it. [there is probably a German word for it like: a causing of the feeling that there is something fundamentally and deeply wrong happening to and within the organism, at a deep intrinsic level]. And yes, it caused pain also. It was bad. It hurt.

It included causing the torso to “collapse in on itself”. And the torso was already partially collapsed in on itself. It strikes at the heart of your physicality as a human being, and at the consciousness itself, particularly the large part of consciousness and memory that exists in the “nexus between mind and body” (sorry for the overly elaborate sentence there, it makes it sound less horrible, but whatever, I have to speak in my own words). But it was awful. Truly awful. Horrendous.

It was worse than mere basic pain related torture. I’d rather have had things such as burns, crush injury (thumb screws), water boarding (assuming I was well).

Umm. I’d classify it as torture. Easily. It involved very severe suffering. It was blatantly and obviously torture. Torture is when it is severe suffering, and it was severe suffering. It clearly meets the definition.

Well that was the conversation about “torture”. And a fat lot of good it will do me.

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Note: it can be a struggle to be a perfect wordsmith and crafter of statements. But when one is so close to a situation, it can be difficult to write as though one is not. In an ideal world I might have had someone to help me write about my experiences including but not limited to the things that happened between bluff and the hutt. 14 march and 15 august. I could have benefited from a medical doctor with experience in issues relating to the consciousness. But also perhaps a someone from a human rights NGO, or a human rights lawyer.

I needed a good writer. I really genuinely needed a good writer! I am not a good writer. I needed a good writer!!! And I could have done with someone to speak FOR me. Someone who has gone through all I have experienced in life shouldn't have to speak for himself.

Umm. This includes writing about everything from 2016-today. There is a lot that I could have benefited from having a separate writer for.

The period of time 2016 - 2022 could have benefited from a good writer.

I will repeat this once more:

"I genuinely suffered very badly from 2016 - 2022.

I lived in a state for years where my torso was partially and/or badly collapsed inwards from the inside. It was awful."

That part was horrible, and is more important than the Copthorne itself.

And also, the recent period of time from 14th March until 15th August is perhaps a more relevant period of time to look at, and also more worthy of analysis than just the Copthorne.

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Another random, unrelated point:

Way back in the past

I had whole weeks where a weird black fog gripped my mind and my life. I think they used a machine on my mind for weeks on end. Or even whole fortnights.

I was in bed a lot back around 2012-2016 (I had issues due to my torso. I had issues relating to my core muscles, but I didn't understand it. Not much fun).

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Btw, it was during 2016 - 2022, in what I call the “hell years”, that I learned to control my mind like a computer. Or use my mind like a computer.

Which is why… I said weirdly robotic things like “you are harming the organism” over and over.

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Random other thoughts:

Writing about the past is hard

Writing about my past messes with my head a bit. I can’t say much more than that. I can’t explain it very well. Including stuff as far back as 2016. Umm. Sometimes my mind used just not to let me even look at it or examine it.

***

Living with a “partially collapsed torso” is really hard. Really really hard. It’s no fun. It is awful, horrible. Had it for ages.

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2016 - 2022:

Torso partially collapsed inwards

Let us try to explain it a little bit better.

Health

I repeat:

I lived in a state for years where my torso was partially and/or badly collapsed inwards from the inside. It was awful.

And tautness (and/or artificial tension was used 24/7 from my iliacus/psoas) to keep my torso in a "partially and/or badly collapsed".

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Kinaesthetic Awareness

My kinaesthetic awareness (body awareness) was very poor at the time. I was unable to feel properly, and/or fully comprehend what was wrong with me.

I did not know that it was caused by my core muscles being artificially controlled by means of remote control.

~this explanation is incomplete~

~I might try to improve it later~

Rephrase: I could not feel inside myself which muscles were being tightened. That is what is meant by “poor kinaesthetic awareness”.

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~~It wasn’t just collapsed inwards. It was collapsed inwards, AND being pulled on the 24/7 all the time. There was a taut pull and hold on my partially collapsed torso, from the inside.~~

~~***~~

~~David: re explain this later:~~

~~I also didn’t have proper kinaesthetic awareness of it, because I couldn’t feel properly what was wrong? I couldn’t feel it because it was “collapsed partially inwards”.~~

~~This is just wrong.~~

~~~I am not explaining it well~~~

My normal ability to feel the relative positions of the various parts of the body were badly impaired when I was living in Princeton Road, and the “normal relationship between the chest and shoulders was inverted”. I am sorry that I am unable to explain it well. This is just a tentative explanation. And if I mis explain it, the lunatics abs psychos will harm me further. / disclaimer

If you can’t move your body because it is held taut in the same way for years internally, then you can’t “sense” the relative positions of the parts of your body properly.

Disclaimer: we don’t have perfect terminology in the English language for talking about this sort of this thing.

Ps: in my private, silent thoughts, when I was young my lawyer (Sarah) was scorned by me as having all of the sex appeal of a bowl of shredded wheat.

She was a smart girl, so was a contender in that basis. But she had all of the sex appeal of a bowl of shredded wheat. I used to think that I (being a genius) needed a smart girl to date). And I made mental short lists of the only smart girls in school, and from those the ones worth dating. If, hypothetically I had chosen to date.

Catherine Little, Emma Mackay and Sarah made the top three. Clare was worth mentioning, but not top three (I actually rate her more highly in intellect than Sarah, but less studious).

And maybe Sarah resents this.

On paper, Sarah was IDEAL, but she just lacked the sex appeal!!?

Dating pool is small if you’re a genius at high school lol.

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Ps: I sometimes ruminated on what a potential life with various girls would or could have been like..

With Sarah, I imagined… what if you had fallen in love with the smart girl, got her pregnant, or otherwise ended committed to her, and were stuck for years with someone who totally lacked sex appeal?

Would you have to admit by age 22/33 that you just weren’t attracted to her? How much would it hurt for a women (compassionately) to know that you dated the sensible (but boring) option, and that after 2-3 years of marriage you were retired of her?

What would it be like for the husband to say, ummm. I for mind if we stop having sex?? At mid twenties?

I was a Christian and I had funny day dreams and fantasy sequences, so what. Funny ruminations.

Dream sequences.

I never said anything about this to anyone’s face.

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How Communicate Pt Two